How to have a great day at work.

Lately I've been thinking about what makes a good day at work.  I enjoy work, and generally enjoy my co-workers.  Today one co-worker was singing along with the radio... she was happy, and it seemed the day went faster because of her joy.

Another co-worker was grumbling... Her day went slowly.  Dragged along.  When she finally went home, she was run-down and cranky.  She actually complained about the happiness of our co-worker.

So I stay busy, pause for lunch, and then plow through the day.  A bit of exercise helps the day fly by also.  Meetings seem to slow down the days. Fortunately, someone is on vacation, so there is plenty of work.

I'm fortunate to have a variety of tasks, and I can plan the day myself.  Frequently I am interrupted for special meetings, tasks... but that just makes the day flow well...

I suppose if I could knit at work, it would go faster... but that wouldn't be work.

Who I was; Who I am...

When watching the royal wedding Friday, I was struck by the differences between that wedding and the one decades before of the groom's parents.

The first wedding I watched on TV, and I was planning my own wedding the following December.
This wedding I watched on my computer, and I'm dating a married couple.

The first wedding I believed in virginity and faithfulness and the sanctity of marriage in a church.

This wedding I believe in passion and fluid bonding and the church is no longer part of my life...

The first wedding I believed was like a fairy tale... they'd kiss and live happily ever after.
But from this many years, I see the reality.

This wedding...too soon to know.  However, they've got a better start- they're older, have an established relationship, they even look happy... Maybe...

At the time of the first wedding, I was living in Bloomington, Indiana, assistant managing the Howard Johnson's Restaurant.  I was "shacked up" with my fiancé... and couldn't tell anyone where I lived.  It was quite the scandal.

Now I'm living in Brooksville, FL, and have credentials, and manage a small department in a medium organization. I live by myself... and enjoy the quiet. Although my relationship with a couple could be scandalous to some people.  I haven't mentioned it to my mother...

I'm different than I was in 1981....Honestly, I'm not sure my 1981 self would recognize the current me.  I'm older- true.. but I've lost my faith... and that's okay.  I lost my innocence.. in so many ways... and that's okay.

So who will I be in 2041?  Only time will tell.. But this royal wedding was a delightful chance to time travel and reconnect with the old me.  I've come a long way.

The most dangerous person in a poly relationship.

I'm the most dangerous person in a poly relationship.... Well, any newbie is.  There are no rules, but each family/group/tribe has their own set of rules.

The "Newbie" is most likely to not know the rules.  We might reveal details that should be quiet, or fail to disclose something important.  Communication is important...and in the early relationship, over-communicating is better than under-communicating.  That's been hard for me to learn.

While poly rules vary, here are some common rules: ask before playing with someone else, no surprises, always use a condom.  Frankly, when I first started, it seemed that everyone was fair game... I could (theoretically, at least) sleep with every poly.  The reality is different.  There are poly predators who do that.  However, there are many committed polys that have multiple, long term partners.  In my area, long term can be in the 30ish year mark.  As I settle into a relationship with my couple, the rules remain reasonable.  As I watch various relationship problems, I see how important rules are.

The "Newbie" is most likely to make mistakes.  When talking after a playful bed session, my partner revealed that she was using one hand for touching her genitals, and the other hand for touching mine.  In the passion of the moment it is easy to forget which hand, throw caution to the wind.. and ... well, make a newbie mistake.  I'm grateful that I'm learning from people who love me... AND know what they are doing.  Many mistakes are made when someone isn't aware.

I've made mistakes... and I've learned... Fortunately none of the mistakes were life changing.. but there was potential for that.  Use condoms... and don't assume your partners are honest.  Seems sad to say that.. but if he refuses to wear a condom with you... he'll refuse with others...

I'm leaning.so I'm less dangerous.. to myself, to my lovers, and to my future lovers.

Some posts from Datehookup... I'm just moving them here so I won't lose them...

These were written around the time of my first poly meeting. I was learning about poly and trying to mono date.  I've learned a lot. The biggest challenge was finding intelligent people.  I need the challenge of interesting people and conversation.  






Last Saturday Night. Club 13 in Clearwater, FL
6/15/2010 9:44:14 AM

Last Saturday night I went to Club 13 in Clearwater, FL. This is the first time I've been to a group party since Parents W/O Partners in the late 80's. 

I arrived early, ate dinner. The Sunset Special was wonderful A pric fixe menu with 6 entrees, salad, 2 vegs and non-alcoholic drink for $10. Another 99 cents added a piece of keylime pie. (with a white whipped cream? topping.. good, but not what I was used to.) I got the flank steak with cheese. The steak was flavorful and well cooked. 

When I walked in at 6:00 I talked to several older ladies at the bar. Later talked to a computer nerd (who was doing some nerd work for the club). It wasn't until my third conversation, that someone from this party was around. 

I'm an early bird.. I knew I'd be leaving the party at 9:30... It started at 8. I'm still getting used to "social" time vs. "business" time. In the business world, you show up early. In the social world.. well, people were still arriving when I walked to the car at 9:30. 

This really isn't my scene. I know that. I pushed and talked to a variety of people. Got some great advice about other places to meet people. Meet up being mentioned frequently. 

Many interesting people, some from here, others were from another website. Many interesting experiences, and personalities. I'm glad I took the time to go.

Explain this to me....
 at 6/10/2010 4:00:07 PM

Am I required to respond to an e-mail? This member wrote three times before this... Three relatively vague, short e-mails. (ranging from "hi" to "what are you doing?" to "don't be rude to me, please write back." I didn't respond. (Bad experience yesterday with someone who expected too much, then turned abusive when he wanted a pic of me, and I refused... Apparently the picture issue is HUGE with guys. They want a picture, more than a hug. So I was cautious about the guy today.)

Then I get this:
"You are the rudest skank ho Ive met on here so far. No wonder you wont show a pic. I dont blame you for that, Im sure you are hideous & not many want anything more than a BJ from you , which BTW , thats why some guys like your height! Dont have to look in your nasty eyes when giving oral, you are disgusting as well as a skank! Smiles see ya. I have another screen-name on here so if you ever decide to meet someone on here, "it just might be me" , byeeeeeee."

Now that's the way to win a girl's heart. Insult her. So if I don't have a picture, AND don't respond, this kind of hateful garbage is my punishment?

And you wonder why I won't put a pic on line... Yep, I'd love to have a sweetheart like him recognizing me in the grocery store.

German-American Club of Pinellas County  at 6/8/2010 9:21:14 AM Saturday night I went down to the German-American Club of Pinellas County for a dance- complete with live band. The club is mainly older members (I was the youngest person there- at almost 50.) This would be an interesting place for a date. The music is good, the conversation lively. The cover charge is $8 for non-members. Newcomers are welcomed. Drinks and German food are available at a very reasonable price ($5.50 for a sandwich platter - enough for two, and I think my club soda was a dollar). Though it has been 30 years since my high school German classes, I was able to follow most of the conversations. The most enjoyable part was watching the couples dance. The dances were waltzes, polkas, and other traditional dances. Many of the members are native Germans, who have been in the US for a long time. Americans, like myself, born from German ancestors are welcome also. This would be a different place for a date... A place to dance with a live band for a very reasonable cover charge. This is not for everyone.. but for older daters, looking for a special place to dance, this is the spot. Plus watch for their Oktoberfest which is adding a third weekend this year... That would be a great place for a date.. in late September/October. Quiet Day after Memorial Day.  at 6/1/2010 5:21:14 PM Last week was delightful. I was able to go out to dinner with friends several times. Was able to listen to live music twice... Once was even able to get to the dance floor and enjoy some movement and music. See, I don't drink. Stopped decades ago. I can't drink, but others can. The other night I realized how it could have been, if I could handle the beer. I didn't drink, but imagine that most people in that room would have been shocked that someone was sober, other than the bartender. Heck, I've been sober longer than some of these dancers have been alive. I don't block people out if they drink in moderation. But I'm sensitive to the dangers of over drinking. That's part of my curse. I'm perceived as being judgmental...but really, I'm most strict with myself. Is there anyone out there for me? I believe there is. I believe I'll be ready for him, when he finds me. And I believe I'll meet a lot of interesting, intelligent men.

Busy month, slow afternoon.

I'm sitting at Panera... killing time.  This month, I am moving.  Yep, procrastination strikes again. 

I need to pack the stuff at my boarding house, and move to a new place, and buy enough food/kitchen gear that I don't starve.  Then I'm looking for furniture.  I've still got a couple bookcases from Ikea, and some family heirlooms.  Ironically, I've got a hope chest.  Please don't laugh.  

Last week I learned to be careful about whom I share my furniture search.  I don't mind used furniture.  I love antiques.. and sadly, also like the Ikea furniture... So, like my eating habits, I've got a very wide range of acceptable.  However, some items won't fit well with others.  So I started asking people to watch out for furniture, and then started getting offers ... with strings attached, with strange paint, with repairs that were needed.  I'd rather wait for the right piece.... and frankly, with all the yard sales, and people moving, I expect it will be easy to find what I want.. I just need to know what I want. 

And I've got a few items I'd LOVE to have.. practical items.. like a sofa bed, or a chair and a half.. that folds into a bed.  I want people to visit.. and now, that is just barely a fantasy.

In two weeks.. well, I'll be able to play and laugh and cook in my own kitchen.  Now I've tried convincing others that I don't cook.  And that is partially true.  I certainly don't want to go head to head in a cooking contest with the pros that I know... 

In two weeks, I'll own flour, and cookie sheets and heck, even a wastebasket or two.

This will be a busy month. 

This afternoon, however, is quiet.  My weekend finished early.  And the roommate might still be 'entertaining' at the house.  So I've crashed at Panera... caught up on the e-mails, read all the Facebook walls, and scrolled through several forums.  

Yep, this is what a boring afternoon looks like  And later I'll be doing laundry.  Life can't always be interesting... but I'm still smiling about the quiet conversations, and shared times in the past few weeks.  

Poly... more than sex.. more than a fantasy.  And I'm the unicorn... you know, a magical animal that makes everyone happy, that's hard to find, but a miracle and joy.  When I was a teenager, I collected unicorns. (okay, every third teen female in the 70's collected unicorns... or Pegasus...)   I still have a few.. mostly jewelry that didn't get tossed when I became embarrassed that I wasn't a virgin.  

So here's the irony... I've lost/discarded everything, and found happiness.  I've finally let go of the illusion of love, and found real affection.  No guarantees... I enjoy today, and don't make promises for the future.  That's partially due to some physical problems... which prevent absolute plans... I've released the illusion of forever love, and now have found the perfect love for today. 

So we live small, simple lives... and enjoy every moment.  What more could I want?  This is my gratitude list for this slow afternoon... in the midst of a busy month filled with changes.  

I've got a secret...

I love that time when I know something.. and no one else does.  There are big changes in my life, I've taken the next step, I'm making progress.


This was what it felt like during those moments when I knew I had a job... and hadn't told anyone... just walked around with a smile. Three people know.... so far.  I'll be telling others -- in time.  


My life is progressing as it should.  It feels like I'm back on track.  Now I realize part of that feeling is from the old belief system... G-d has a perfect plan for my life... I just need to figure out what it is, and follow His directions... Only I never really knew what was the right thing, and what was a mistake.  I suppose my daughter is a mistake... She certainly wasn't planned... but has proven to be the most wonderful thing in my life.  


So now that I don't have a predetermined plan... from G-d, the Universe, or an author... If there are no lines, how can I color outside of them?  


So there are big, anticipated changes in my life... my personal horoscope should read, "Expect big changes from the 15th to the 31st.  Your new surroundings should be decorated to suit your personality." 


So I've got a secret, and now have half a dozen lists... filled with even more details... 


Life is good.

James G-... Rest in Peace

My marriage seems like a bad piece of fiction, half forgotten due to better written, more recent works.  Matt and I married in December, 1981... Yep, it was a long time ago.  At the time, his parents objected to the marriage.  We were too young.  They didn't know me, and quite frankly, didn't like what they knew about me. I drank too much; I knew too much about drugs.

James G- was my father in law for a little over a year.  He and I started badly.  Matt was his youngest son, sickly as a child, and spoiled as a teenager.  I was obviously a bad influence, since Matt was head over heels in love. 

They first realized I existed when Matt announced we were engaged...At the time, he was in the hospital for pneumonia.  I was visiting, and his mother couldn't understand why a friend would drive from Indianapolis in a snowstorm to visit. She was also probably annoyed that I was tiring him... when he should be healing.  She was right.  I shouldn't have come.  Ah, young, foolish love. 

Then there was the time my parents drove to Bloomington from Carmel to pick me up.  They were unhappy that I couldn't find someone going all the way to Indianapolis.  Matt and I planned it so our parents could meet.  Though we didn't tell them that was the plan.. Awkward.  I created a lot of the craziness in that life.

Mr. G-, I never could bring myself to call him Jim. was unhappy that I kept my maiden name, equally unhappy when I hyphenated the names.  At the end of the first year of marriage, it was on the rocks at the time, I conceded.. changing my name to his.

After less than a year, Matt and I separated.. I couldn't afford to support him anymore.. I could barely support myself.  We agreed we'd get back together.  Maybe we believed that. 

Then there was the phone call... Matt said, "My dad wants a divorce." 

and I replied, "What does your Mom say?"

"She agrees."

My parents had divorced the previous year, so I offered comfort.."That's hard. but my parents seem to be doing well with their divorce. So hopefully yours will be happy with theirs."

"No- they want us to get divorced."

"I didn't marry your father.  Why is HE asking me for a divorce?"

Eventually Mr. G- paid for the divorce, that was 28 years ago.  I hated it.  Understood why he was doing it.  There were probably legal issues I didn't understand then (we were breaking a lease, had minimal assets,)  If only... more time, more money, more something could have fixed that great romance.

In time, I grew used to the idea of being divorced at 23.  and life went on-  After a few years, there were others my age who were divorced.  

Last week I found his obituary.  He was an interesting man- a high ranking administrator, with a gift of saying the right thing when a camera was shoved in his face during tragic moments.  I remember him doing a local news spot when a university student was killed.

So I was Googling, and wondered about Mr. G-. He died last year. Matt wrote the obituary.  His daughter who wanted to be doctor is now a vet.  And I'm wishing I could sit down with him and tell him thank you.  

Thank you, and you were right, we were too young, I did drink too much.. and well, thank you.  For catching Matt when I couldn't hold him anymore... and for the tough love that I needed.  Thank you for paying for the divorce.  That gave me options and freedoms that I didn't appreciate.