My writings... and how I've found a new life-- not in the ashes of the old life-- but in eyes and hearts of new friends, new lovers and new places.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Six month contract...

After I've dated someone a while, I'll make a commitment. Not the kind most people make, but a simple, 6 month commitment.
Six months is long enough... there's stability, and comfort. We know we can make longer term plans... you know, beyond next weekend.
Of course there are bonuses.... lazy days spent in bed, touching, kissing and well, lots of touching because I love touching... I'm rather addicted to skin. --- the color, the scent, the feel of it.
After a couple six month commitments, I'll sign on for a year. And I'm there for that period of time. We renegotiate, extend the contract...
Or not. it has gone quiet, at a certain point, I'm not talking about my contract or commitment to you... because there isn't one.
Rather harsh? Rather practical? I know what my mother hopes I'll find....practical, dependable and forever.
But I want six months of bliss... followed by a few single year contracts... leading into a friendly break up... where we each find things we need.... in someone else. Is this model too callous? Too logical? I need something to protect me from the NRE...

Monday, April 21, 2014

What it means when I say "I love you."

What it means when I say "I love you."

I say it too much... to too many people.  I love you.  I use it as a thank you, a hello, as a greeting, as an exclamation.

and I mean it... to all those people.  I genuinely want you to be happy, to know that you are loved. To feel the joy and happiness I feel in your presence.

I don't want to wait until the right time to say it.  Years ago I'd calculate when was the best time to utter those three words.  I'd wait six months.  Once a lover muttered it, and I didn't return it... I couldn't ...not until the carefully scheduled day in two months. But now I use it all the time.

Sometimes I say it as reminder that there are others out there that love, friends, future lovers.  They can't always be here to remind you that you are important.  "You are loved" seems a bit distant.  --Although the ad campaign is sincere.

Know now that I love you.  I see your struggles, and love you anyway.  You may not be my lover, but I care about you, and want you to grow, and learn and thrive.  I want to be there to cheer when you succeed, in big and small ways.

Does this mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you?  Probably not.  I love deeply, but don't own the people I love.  So they grow, and go.  And I'm glad, even when I'm crying.

Is this what "I love you" means to you?  Maybe not, but know that I love you.  And I'd rather be generous with those words, to the many people who need to hear them, than to carefully dole  them out at critical moments.

I do love you.  Maybe because of hours spent together, maybe because of years spent together.  And know that I never stop loving.  That's the advantage of Polyamory for me.  We may not have a physical relationship anymore, but I will love you.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Would you rather be right or happy?

Would you rather be right or happy?

This question was posed to me during couples counseling.  Years later I found out that my partner decided to leave me during that session.  Basically, he wanted to be right, and decided he could be right AND happy, if I wasn't around.

I hope that worked for him.  Communication is important.  I think I know what you want, and what I've said... but it is misheard.  I tell lovers to assume that I intend things to sound kind, and gentle.  But sometimes that doesn't happen.

Or worse, I'm trying to be gentle, and the message is lost completely.

Would you rather be right or happy?  I'd rather be happy.  I compromised in that relationship... Did dishes his way, ran on his schedule, fixed him dinner.. but ultimately, his impression was that I always got my way.  I needed that relationship to become who I am today.  I don't regret it.  But wish I had learned faster.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Recent FB thoughts...

Recently on Facebook, I've been annoyed at some friends' posts.  Here are my basic problems:

1. I dislike vicious political posts.  The name calling, the rudeness, seem un-helpful.
2. I'm not religious, and find the posts grating.
3. I've reached a place where I don't need the annoyance of every random thought that pops into someone's head.

Mostly my annoyance is with friends who are disabled, long term unemployed, who are voicing Conservative viewpoints (reduce taxes for the rich, decrease food stamps, increase outrage over the current president.)  It would make sense if they were employed, and making 6 figure salaries...  Because they are unemployed, they have a great deal of time to watch Fox News, get riled up about... whatever the current outrage is.

So I've unfriended them.  It seems strange.  I was so excited when I found them on FB, and now.  Well, I hope they live long and prosper.  And hopefully find some perspective.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


My world explodes in the next month.  I'm leaving my toxic dysfunctional job for a new job.  My roommate is moving out.... finally.  I've got my kitchen back.  I've got my garage back.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

So I was handed a printed e-mail, and asked to distribute it.

My new administrator is old fashioned.  He doesn't understand how e-mail works.

Yesterday he handed me a printed e-mail which he had received, and asked me to copy and distribute to a group of employees before handing it (again) at a meeting later this month.

Wow.  I forget how old school someone can be with technology.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

So while you were insisting you were right...

I'm going back and editing some random rants.  I tend to write to process my feelings when I'm hurt.  Otherwise I tend to yell and scream... which I know is the wrong way to treat the people I love.  This was written last year...  So It's no longer painful to the people involved.

So while you were insisting you were right and pounding me into the ground- to prove that I am wrong.  Even though you didn't listen to the question OR the answer...

So while you were doing that... I was hurting.  and falling out of love.  You don't want side conversations... unless you are involved.  You change the plans... You break agreements.

Do you realize that you just hurt this relationship?  Do you realize how much I resent being grilled in public?  Do you realize how inappropriate you are in public places?  Do you realize how loud you are?  How the people you talk about can hear you?

I just walk away.  and now I can't.  You've trapped me.  I can forgive... but this is happening too often now.  I can't  stand this.

This could be repaired.. .but you won't stop.. because you are right.. Always right.  So you won't change.  And suddenly I understand your previous relationship that ended when someone stopped talking to you.  Why bother talking to someone who is always right, and refuses to listen.

You are the center of the world.  You should get your way all the time.  Maybe you don't realize the people you've alienated.