My writings... and how I've found a new life-- not in the ashes of the old life-- but in eyes and hearts of new friends, new lovers and new places.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I'm grateful this Thanksgiving

Today I gratefully review the previous Thanksgivings.

This year is a transition year, as was last year, and a couple before that. Three of the past four years, I've stayed home, snuggled with my memories, and enjoyed a simple meal. Last year, I had dinner with a friend, her family and their chaos. I remembered why I love my simple, solitary tradition.

I don't remember specific years... but I remember my mother muttering under her breath, as my (paternal) grandmother rearranged the table and fussed over the food. Mom's menu was traditional and iron-clad. The only variable was the fruit pie - apple or peach?

Thanksgiving in Ft. Wayne, Indiana after an hour drive, settling down to dinner with my father and that stranger he married. She knew Ginger very well, but didn't know much about me.

Years later, the warm friendly welcome from Helen (that stranger) as she grew into my heart as a step-mother. Her adventurous recipes, a marked departure from my mother's unchanging Thanksgiving menu. Later I become painfully aware that food to Helen carried a far different meaning, as she re-arranged it on her plate, and cheerfully sipped several mugs of coffee.

In 1986, a run to Benton Harbor, MI to meet my boyfriend's grandmother. She was going to have the day by herself... and we drove up to spend it with her. Her gracious old-fashioned southern manners and her love for her old dog were bittersweet memories of that trip. She shared stories of how my bf didn't talk to the family, and how one Christmas he sent an FTD centerpiece and she sat and cried... knowing he was alive, but still not knowing where he was.

IN 1987, I returned to Benton Harbor, forsaking my family, frustrating my own grandmother. My daughter was almost 2 months old, and I was showing her off to his side of the family. Friday afternoon, sitting in the kitchen, the back door blew open. I got up to close it, and was struck with a chill. We returned home, and my sister caught me at my apartment door. My grandmother was gone, heart attack, the day after Thanksgiving... sitting in her favorite recliner, watching the Nashville Network, with a pan of leftovers heating on the stove.

The following several days were numb. I had nothing, financially, I had focused on having the baby, and getting back to work. The C-section meant I'd be off work two weeks longer than expected. I didn't even think of the flowers until I saw the spray on the casket, and the small satin heart with a single rose - "great-grandmother" My hormones were roller-coastering, my confidence was weak.

In talking to Gladys and Grace (the remaining matriarchs of the family) I found out that Grandma Carrie's first name wasn't Caroline. --but Catherine. So Carrie was named... not for my g-grand, but for well, herself.

Later I found out that Ginger, my sister, had talked to my mother, and got advice on what to do... and the entire family was protecting me... from unkind comments, from stress, from... well, everything. I remember looking at Caroline, asleep in my arms, and wondering, "How am I going to do this?"- and quickly realizing I needed to be a strong woman to teach her to be a strong woman.

For several years after that, I skipped Thanksgiving completely. There was a Star Trek convention over the weekend, I'd go there... Some years, Tom would take Caroline to Michigan for the feast, so she could spend time with his family.

Eventually, after Herb & my friend Susan married, she started grabbing family and friends for the holiday.. For several years, everyone would gather there. After the dinner, I'd load the kids in my car, and drag them off for a movie... giving the adults a 2 hour reprieve from the kid's chatter.

Those years were filled with drama... The year a young family member was pregnant, and planning on adoption. Half the family knew, but the out of town family didn't know. I was listening to a conversation across the room, and saw the shift in frustrated eyes. An out of town relative was complimenting the young mother to be on her grades. Then the conversation shifted to the "of course they're good, she's been grounded since we found out she's knocked up." The her mother's bitterness made this daughter's life difficult... and the baby was given up for adoption, and now, no one mentions it... but everyone remembers.

Another year, Susan's father fell. He tripped on his shoe, tumbled down to the landing. Several men helped move him to a chair. He was embarrassed. That was the first indication of his ALS. Years later, he'd be mentioned... as we were eating... and he was miles away on a ventilator.

There was at least one Thanksgiving where I got the dinner- fully cooked, just warm it up- from the local grocery store. Simple, small Thanksgiving with three people.

In time, Susan & Herb's Thanksgivings waned, and I started going back to Ft. Wayne. I don't remember the last Thanksgiving with Dad & Ginger. Perhaps that is a blessing. What I do remember is the distinct tobacco smell of my father, as I nuzzled his neck. I remember the curl of Ginger's hair.. she hated it.. I wanted curls so bad. I remember her freckles, and her jealously.... Her frustration that I found someone when she hadn't been married yet. The implication was that I wasn't allowed seconds until AFTER she got married.
There were other years, other traditions. Overall, I guess the only tradition I have is to change the tradition every few years. So 2006 I was alone, and 2007 I was alone. I moved to FL in 2008, and had Thanksgiving with Pat's family in 2009.

I like the alone tradition, I like being with people, I like the variety. But overall, I'm reminded of why I'm thankful. I'm thankful for all the people- both family and friends, who have made me who I am... who have held me, have loved me, have protected me.

And I'm grateful for the coming years, and the new traditions that they'll bring -- as new people and new traditions enter my life. I wasn't ready for the changes that this year has brought, but I'm glad they've happened.

Here's to the new year. And whatever new tradition waits.. in the wings... to be revealed in the next act.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sex is easy, Love is hard.... shouldn't it be the other way around?

I'm still recovering from a cold..so I'm aware that my sense are off.... Food tastes wrong, my instincts fail me, my hearing is not working well. Into this, complications... I need to hear better, need to focus on subtle, and well, I failed.

Frankly, I've discovered that it is easy to have sex. Actually easier than working out.. because I don't have to change clothes.. just have to take them off. Love.. now that is difficult. Communication is paramount to love.. Although I am fascinated with the thought of lovers who don't talk. That could work for me.... because I tend to assume all is well.

In a couple situations currently, I'm getting several viewpoints from several people who are involved. Each person sees the situation in a very different way.

In an online setting, I made a flippant comment, which was greeted with "what do you mean?" I thought it was clear.. then read what the other person interpreted it as.

So I'm realizing that no matter how clear we believe we are... the message may be garbled by the receiver. --There's no way to fix that....

And I'm also painfully aware that I misinterpret the messages I'm receiving.

Adding detail sometimes helps... Sometimes not..

Example: What do you want for dinner?

I don't care (I'm not really hungry, I'm flexible, What's in the freezer?, I've got a craving for comfort food, but don't want to admit it., I love you and will eat whatever you fix, etc.)

The possibilities are limitless...

Ultimately, realize that I intend almost all of my communication to be from love. I care about the people in my life. I want them to be happy.

Yep, sex is easy... Love is hard... and I wonder if the world would be a better place if love was easy and sex was hard.....


Monday, November 22, 2010

That chapter in a romance novel

That chapter in a romance novel... maybe the second or third chapter - where everything is confusing, and seems hopeless. Where communications are misheard, misspoken, misunderstood and mistaken.

That's where I am.. right now.

Since I've started exploring my new life, I've found many friends. In fact, the word "friend" has morphed into completely new meanings... Lately, I've been spending my weekends with a lovely couple. And I've been falling in "like."

I'm too cynical and jaded to think that love is possible in the first 6 months of knowing someone. I realize there are alternate points of view. However, love to me is the deeper... more experienced version, not the giddy, coltish version. Admittedly, I am out of practice with finding someone to love. The beginning provides the foundation for later emotions, regrets, interactions.
I've been thinking of some of the early conversations with B. He liked to talk, and I was assigned to listen. But in retrospect, his stories were not insight into him or his life, but humorous quips and trolls. So I was entertained, but not educated about him.

That was a very emotionless relationship, more a business partnership. I learned early that I could have what he would give, but nothing more. And I accepted those terms. Decades later I learned what I had missed.

Now I look at this budding relationship. There are issues. I'm 15 years older. Does that matter? I don't drink. Does that matter? I've got different goals. That does matter.

Now back to the present, and how the past shapes it. Last weekend I caught a cold. N had caught the same cold. We were sick, separately. Then this weekend... we weren't well yet. Everything felt off. Questions received the wrong answer; Conversations were more pauses than words. I just felt disconnected.

We went to a party.. I had a good time, but at the end of the night, the three of us were overtired, and the night was snippish.

So this is the chapter... where everything seems hopeless... and it will work out before the end. Or this might be the false start that reveals the true objective in the next chapter...

I am in this without the expectations of a romance novel. I've enjoyed the heady emotions of New Relationship Energy (NRE). Now I just need to dig in and start the real relationship work-- Communication.

And I need to figure out what I want.