My writings... and how I've found a new life-- not in the ashes of the old life-- but in eyes and hearts of new friends, new lovers and new places.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Emotional and Mental Roadblocks...

Sometimes I write.. not for the audience, but for myself- to figure out what is going on... what is blocking me. For several weeks, I've needed to pack for this move. I'm moving from my apartment into a storage bin...while I live in temporary quarters. This allows me to catch up on bills, learn the area, and build some savings. It is very logical. However, it also feels very uncertain.

I've figured out why I'm procrastinating about packing.. The last time I packed was to move here... and everything was set in place, and I would be happy forever with someone who loved me. This time...I'm stepping into the future without a plan.. and it is scary.

Even having friends help me pack would not solve this problem. I need to just hunker down and pack. So far I've sealed several boxes. I need to just keep going. At this point, it is too late to toss... Almost everything will be packed.

conversation with ex-boyfriend's girlfriend.

She wants me to call him my friend, rather than ex-boyfriend. I understand her point. It sounds bitter.

On the other hand, after dating for 7 years, living with him for another 9 years, and moving to another state to be rejected, 'friend' just seems inadequate. Can I get a tiny bit of credit for feeding him, waking him, and knowing him for 20 years? I realize it doesn't count to him.

She seems to think I'm living in the past. Oddly, at this point, I'm building a future...with others.. without attaching to any single person to "fix" me.

And I deal with his neglect and comments on a daily basis. It's easy to say, "He told me I was unattractive." but does she really understand? To her, image and looks are less important, so that comment is neutral.

And she wants us to be friends. We(the three of us) are friends. But the damage is still there. My communication was stunted by talking with him. I don't rock the boat, I avoid controversial subjects, and tend to be an emotional doormat.

We were a good match at the time. I needed a steady male influence for my daughter. The passion, the physical were not important. However, now they are. I've neglected myself, the touching of my body, and the emotional needs for too long.

Ultimately, the issue was commitment. I loved him, and was willing to change who I was to be with him. His troll communication style rubbed off onto my real life. I planned on caring for him, even though he didn't love me. Now that doesn't matter.. He's got another love. She will cure his depression, his apathy, his unemployment, his... well... lifestyle. They are soul mates.

She doesn't mean it as an insult. I wish her luck. I couldn't make him happy. I hope she can. But yesterday, he just looked exhausted and old.

Meanwhile, my life progresses. I'm rediscovering communication. Direct communication gets direct results. I'm learning that some men are pigs. My roommate.. a nice guy.. just loves to fuck. He calls himself poly but basically screws anything that will let him. The emotional relationship is minimal/nonexistent. He brags that if he doesn't screw a woman by the third date, he stops dating her.

Our relationship has changed. Since he has added 2 women in 6 weeks (well, counting me that's 3 in 6 weeks), I'm requiring a condom. In the first conversation, he's basically refusing, hasn't worn one since he was a teenager. Well, I've got future lovers to protect.

Yep, this is a bitchy post. Sorry. I need another cup of coffee.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I'm falling madly in like...

One curse of being older is that I'm a jaded about relationships. I want to believe in "forever" and "happily ever after." But I'm also painfully aware that forever can be as short as 14 months(my marriage) or 16 years (my last long term relationship).

At a certain point, it feels like forever... the shared memories and joys.

That's not where I am right now.

I'm in the tenative beginnings of a relationship. Everything is vivid and joyfilled. I cherish conversations, and remember glances. The glancing touch of a hand is ecstatic. NRE... New Relationship Energy. I see what it is like now... I'm bullet proof...I float, and sigh. I trust... in strange and wonderful ways.

Example... sharing websites... what a blast... finding new sites that someone else loves.. and I like that person... so the websites are another way to explore that person's interests. Each delightful page of comics I don't understand... or abstract art... or decorating ideas.

Last weekend, we went to a museum. The abstract art show was amazing.. and we compared what we liked, what we adored. We analyzed what attracted us to various pieces. Then at the end was a coffee table with an art project. We both did the project... Then I watched as she concentrated on a project of her own... Another friend sat at the end of the couch... and I sat and meditated. I marked that moment... the lighting, the art, the people, how I sat, what I felt... so I could recall it.. when I wanted a pleasant place/memory.

I could say more.. but shouldn't and won't. Life is unfolding as it should. I will be patient.

and I will enjoy the amazing energy of this new relationship.