Even when you do the right thing, someone may take it the wrong way.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly
hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from
an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She
will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some
divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig
deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the
same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars.
This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short
but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

Yes, it's a joke, but there's a kernel of truth.  What I do, even with the best intentions, can be interpreted completely differently.  

Introvert vs. Extrovert

My triad has lots of "Introvert" vs. "extrovert discussions...

Our primary extrovert is now gone, but frequently cited Introvert/Extrovert as the source of conflict.  Most pressing is that we were mismatched in our daily functions.  I'm the Introvert and saddled with a job which requires frequent, constant contact and communication with co-workers.  Meanwhile, my extrovert partner was sitting at home alone the entire day.  

When I'd come home to relax and be alone, she'd be ready to go out and do things, meet people and have a good time.  Because that extrovert couldn't have a good time unless there is an audience and lots of energy.  The only time I was alone was during my 15 minute commute each day.  

I'd come home exhausted to someone who wanted entertainment, and I was not enough.  She didn't drive, and couldn't entertain herself.  So I ended up being the bad guy... Keeping her from doing what she wanted.  I prevented her from living a happy life in a larger city.  Now she's gone to the city... enjoying the life she wanted, back to wild parties with lots of friends.  

I've wondered if it is easier to be in a relationship similar or different personality types.  My other partner is an introvert.  We've got very different viewpoints, but enjoy spirited conversations.  

Maybe the other relationship would have worked if our lives were reversed... She had the job with lots of people contact, and I had the quiet life at home.  We'll never know. 

What I want... and what I don't want...

I'm not sure when I wrote this... With the numbers I can guess it was around the date I've attached to it.  I'm glad this time of my life is over.  I'm glad I'm able to ask for what I need.  Communication.. It's so important.



I'm guessing some will be offended.  Sorry.

Currently, I'm between relationships.  Or when I get really frustrated... I'll never have sex again.

In the past 7 years, I've had sex for 1.5 years.  Five years I was with someone who just drifted away from sex.  It was a bit of everything: He was too depressed to have sex; He turned me down for sex several times, so I stopped asking; He was on medication that had "sexual side effects."  Ultimately, we got out of the habit.  Now, we had never been bunnies.  In our most randy months, we'd have sex three times.

So here's a list of don't want: Depressed men, Medicated men who can't perform, Men with no sense of self.

I like sex.  I love the lift it gives to my mood.  And currently, I can't even think of someone I'd like to fuck.  I recently picked up The Ethical Slut.

Journaling

Recently I was giving advice about dealing with a break up.  This is how I deal with the current limbo... which is my relationships.

Start Journaling (if you aren't already)-- write about this experience, so you can go back later and see what lessons are in it.

I'm going through a Triad break up.. not as traumatic as yours, but painful.  So I'm writing what went well, what went wrong.  The next relationship will be different, I want to be more cautious with my heart.

By writing out what's going on, I can look at it objectively later.  What should I do differently next time?  There's a lot to think about... and most is best left private.  So I'm working to get stronger, emotionally and physically.  and working to heal myself after this break up before I move on.

Journaling also helps me identify WHY I feel a certain way.  About a week ago I realized that it was old shame... I was quite critical of "the other woman," when I was in my 20's.  Now I am that woman... In the Poly community, I might be considered a "cowgirl."  Although my (remaining) partner and I are both still poly.   I feel shame.  Writing about this feeling helped understand why I feel this way.

One thing I learned about myself...(which I'll share publicly)  I don't like dating.  I don't like NRE.  I prefer the long-term quiet companionship of a relationship.  So I tend to push a relationship into that model... perhaps before it is ready... before I've considered how well this will work for everyone.  I need to date longer, learn more about people, enjoy the diversity, before settling down to a physical relationship.

Being honest, and communication

I'm failing at communications.  I asked for cross streets instead of asking for an address... worse I asked when I didn't have paper and pen, and about 30 minutes later than I wanted to ask.  Less than an hour later I was angry, and frustrated.  No responses from texts.. and I knew that I should have pushed to get the address, rather than just an intersection.

So I need to improve my communication. Ask the right questions, re-ask if I don't get a useable answer.

Meanwhile, everything has changed.

I've lost my lovers.  One has remained as a roommate, but even that is awkward and comfortable.  I miss being touched,  I miss being able to reach out and touch.  I miss the closeness, and the joy of being with someone.

When I think about it, I cry.  So I avoid thinking about it.

I'm seeing their flaws and what they perceive themselves to be.  Are my perceptions as wrong? I think I communicate well... I don't.  I've picked up bad habits of communicating in code... but not knowing if the other person understands.

So life is pretty uncomfortable now.  Just being honest.

Recently a partner asked that I "act as if nothing is wrong" when we are around friends.  However, there is a lot wrong.  A month later, I broke up with her. I did as she asked for 4 or 5 social events.  I couldn't do it anymore.  We were snapping at each other, we were angry.  I didn't compliment her when talking to others.  Maybe they didn't know how deep the schism was, but they knew something was wrong.

I want others to see my relationship as wonderful.  However, that has been a lie for several months.  My triad is splitting, splintering.. This is happening when my professional life is at an all time low, and my energy levels are low, and the world seems to be crashing down around me.  I'm getting into conversations with negative energy crackles through the air.

I need to focus on myself, build my strength, rebuild my life.

What is my Agreement?

Recently found out that a friend & her tribe have a 14 page agreement.  So when someone wants to become part of that group, they are agreeing to.... well, lots.  I didn't ask if it was double spaced.  I hope it is for read-ability.

They require reading some books (Ethical Slut and something else...)  Lab work for STD's, every 6 months, with documentation, meeting all the partners, four dates before physical intimacy, and a variety of other... really good suggestions.  There's a lot of definition and boundaries listed.  (i.e.. What is sex? What is allowed?  Open mouthed kissing?  What about hand/genital contact?)  Their agreement makes clear very specific rules, so there is no misunderstandings later.  Granted, they have been courting some inexperienced poly potentials.. so clear definitions and communication is needed.

So I started to think about my agreement.  I'm part of a fluid-bonded triad. We dated for less than a year before we were fluid-bonded.  We were all tested, we verified the lab results.

We don't have any of that in writing.  We're a closed triad (we only are sexually intimate with each other, no outside lovers).  What would we put in a written agreement?  How many pages would it be 14 pages?  I can imagine a contract similar to a business contract.. including how to exit the relationship.  What would I put in an agreement?  As my triad is discussing it, we'll tailor the agreement to how we currently operate.

This agreement should be an interesting writing assignment.  Do I understand our relationship the way my partners do? And what would be other good information for an Agreement?

Nuclear bomb words..

Lately I've been hearing both sides of various arguments.  And some seem like the verbal equivalent of grade inflation ....  Small annoyances or comments blown into huge issues.

"She stabbed me in the back..."  "That dress was hideous..."

Most are said about rather mundane things.. but the words are filled with emotion.  I'm especially amused/annoyed when the person assures me that their nemesis... has "literally" stabbed them in the back.  Really?  How many stitches did the wound take?

I've been in the middle of "she said/he said"  or more accurately (but less clearly) "she said/she said."  I get the perspective of two people... about the same event.  There are many common themes...

"I was completely calm and reasonable, while she was yelling and throwing things."  I've heard this from both sides of an argument.  Both claim they were acting like adults, and reasonable... while the other person was childish, irrational, and loud. I wish I had a recorder.  Even individual comments are viewed differently.  One person made a statement of fact; The other heard a judgmental diatribe. One person requested time to talk; The other called her a liar.  Everyone needs to be heard.  But we also need to listen.

Often it is just inflection and interpretation... That person is mean to me... therefore... And anything that is said is wrong.  "Oh, you're wearing a blue shirt" becomes "She's judging me. how dare she!"

Another theme...only the other person was rude. We all seem to think we are doing the right thing...or were justified in our actions.....All that righteous indignation has been exhausting lately...Many of us have bad habits.. rude habits.  I catch myself interrupting ... more than I admit.

How does this tie to poly?  Well, we need to be friendly to our friends... and love our lovers.  It is easy to slide into bad verbal habits-  Which reflect our bad mental habits.  Assume the best about our friends/lovers/co-workers.  They mean well.  They are not out to stab you in the back... either literally or figuratively.

What another says or thinks cannot hurt you as much as the festering resentment that you keep.  So stay  healthy mentally.  Use the Teflon coating for your skin... and keep the lines of communication open.  Take it down a notch... Allow little problems to be stay little.  And if necessary ask, "Gee that hurt.  Did you mean to sound so sarcastic?" Many don't realize how cutting and hurtful these little atomic bomb comments are.

Vampires, werecreatures, Anita Blake and small print

I'm trying to work through a book series that she likes (Anita Blake, Vampire Slayer, by Laurell Hamilton)... but my heart isn't in it.  This latest book, is dragging on and on... The sex scenes are well written, but wow... I'm just wanting it to be over.  Part of the problem is that I've tried to read a lot of this... and I have very little time to read.  I just wish a friend would staple the sex scene pages and I'd just read the detective story.

I'm not sure if I'm going to read the next book.  This last one was annoyingly long, with tiny print... (732 pages)  Maybe my eyes are weak enough that I need the large print edition.  --I"ve got the pad... so I could get the book and make the font any size I want.  I still may do that... The earlier books are trilogies when electronic.

Downside of Poly

Currently, I'm overwhelmed.  Work is stressful, my health is faltering, and suddenly I miss those 'lost weekends'- when I could curl up with a book, and ignore the world.  When people are ALWAYS around, it is impossible to enjoy any alone time.  Recently I realized that my only time alone is in the car on my way to work.  I talk to the steering wheel too much.  I know I'm getting stressed.

My girlfriend is insisting I sort through the boxes in the garage... Papers that I don't want to deal with... My father's papers, my sister's papers... lots of loss.. lots of emotions.. lots that I would rather leave in boxes in the garage.

I downsized in 2008 before I moved to Florida... So I don't feel compelled to change any of these boxes.  Meanwhile, being helpful, my partner is insisting that I buy plastic tubs to store this stuff.. I've left the house twice today.  I miss the down time.  I had to get out.  I felt incredibly annoyed that I couldn't just be left alone.    I have to be entertaining her, cleaning the garage because she's decided it needs to be done.

I'm going to let her know that all my stuff stays.  I'll need to cover some boxes.... that's what's really bothering her... they are not stacked efficiently.    This is my house... and my very first garage (I'm 51 years old.. my first garage.... )  We're not talking about a huge number of boxes... less than 20.  I"m getting criticized about being overly emotional.. and being too tied into celebrity lives... I'm just tired of justifying myself.  I should be allowed to like something... whether others do or not.  I'm just really frustrated with everything right now.

We were watching Glee... the Michael Jackson episode... she doesn't understand how I feel about MJ.  It's complicated.... I remember watching him grow up.. with me... we were only a few months apart in age.  I watched the trials.. watched the crazy surgeries... the divorces, the kids.. the music over the years.  My stepsister (who is about 10 years younger than I) thought she had discovered him during the 80's.  And I related to Glee far too much... Watching the kids get acceptance letters... I didn't get to go to college when I graduated from HS.  No one bothered to fill out the Financial Aid Form until my sister wanted to go to college a year later.  Many regrets, many resentments, many young love mistakes...

I'm not communicating well.. I know that.  But everything has been at critical mass for about 4 weeks.  I'm just exhausted.  (not being able to take a vacation at work is part of the problem...)

Breathe in, breathe out.  It's Sunday night.. so much to do this week.