Currently, I'm overwhelmed. Work is stressful, my health is faltering, and suddenly I miss those 'lost weekends'- when I could curl up with a book, and ignore the world. When people are ALWAYS around, it is impossible to enjoy any alone time. Recently I realized that my only time alone is in the car on my way to work. I talk to the steering wheel too much. I know I'm getting stressed.
My girlfriend is insisting I sort through the boxes in the garage... Papers that I don't want to deal with... My father's papers, my sister's papers... lots of loss.. lots of emotions.. lots that I would rather leave in boxes in the garage.
I downsized in 2008 before I moved to Florida... So I don't feel compelled to change any of these boxes. Meanwhile, being helpful, my partner is insisting that I buy plastic tubs to store this stuff.. I've left the house twice today. I miss the down time. I had to get out. I felt incredibly annoyed that I couldn't just be left alone. I have to be entertaining her, cleaning the garage because she's decided it needs to be done.
I'm going to let her know that all my stuff stays. I'll need to cover some boxes.... that's what's really bothering her... they are not stacked efficiently. This is my house... and my very first garage (I'm 51 years old.. my first garage.... ) We're not talking about a huge number of boxes... less than 20. I"m getting criticized about being overly emotional.. and being too tied into celebrity lives... I'm just tired of justifying myself. I should be allowed to like something... whether others do or not. I'm just really frustrated with everything right now.
We were watching Glee... the Michael Jackson episode... she doesn't understand how I feel about MJ. It's complicated.... I remember watching him grow up.. with me... we were only a few months apart in age. I watched the trials.. watched the crazy surgeries... the divorces, the kids.. the music over the years. My stepsister (who is about 10 years younger than I) thought she had discovered him during the 80's. And I related to Glee far too much... Watching the kids get acceptance letters... I didn't get to go to college when I graduated from HS. No one bothered to fill out the Financial Aid Form until my sister wanted to go to college a year later. Many regrets, many resentments, many young love mistakes...
I'm not communicating well.. I know that. But everything has been at critical mass for about 4 weeks. I'm just exhausted. (not being able to take a vacation at work is part of the problem...)
Breathe in, breathe out. It's Sunday night.. so much to do this week.
Alone time is much more important to some people than others. Those who don't have a high need for it are notoriously bad at identifying that it is important to someone else.
ReplyDeleteWhen I am starting to feel like I'm my lovers employee and not their lover, I need to take a step back and figure out what I'm doing to sabotage myself. Most notably I need to take responsibility for making my boundaries and needs clear. If I am coming unraveled and need some quiet - the garage needs to be dropped in priority and I need to say so unambiguously. Just because my partner wants something done in a certain time frame doesn't mean they are going to get it. My feelings and needs are important and if I don't treat them accordingly then why should I be surprised if my partner doesn't?
(Polymisanthrope. This blog won't let me post under that ident)
ReplyDeleteGet your alone time or you will go mad. I mean, as in needing hospitalization mad. Really, no kidding.
And marcusfish has some good points.