2013 status

January, 2013

Recently someone on a dating site asked what I wanted.  Here's the response I wrote, then deleted all but the first three paragraphs.  It still sounds like I'll date anyone--Recently I had a bad experience.  I'm still analyzing what went wrong  It seemed like a simple meeting.. and suddenly he was bragging about his gun, the NRA and judging my beliefs to be "asinine."  Seriously?  This is the way to impress a woman?  Pound her into the ground with Republican politics... then tell call her a "Liberal"-- like it is an insult.

Fifteen minutes.  He was only here for 15 minutes.  Insulted my house, my beliefs and was asked to leave.  I dated a troll.. and online troll.. for 15 years.  I tell when someone just wants to start a fight.  I should have asked him more questions.  I don't like guns.  I don't own one.. Don't like hearing people talk about them.  Actually had a friend who insisted that he could change that belief.  I don't like them.  Why can't the gun fans just leave me alone?  But no, this is when they need to "educate me."

Yet when I post this I seem intolerant.  My usual example was shot down by a friend.  Usually, I say I don't force you to knit, why are you forcing me to listen to your hobby... which honestly scares me.

"I do best with intelligent, open minded people.  

"Age and looks don't matter.  Personality and (the ever popular) sense of humor is important.  Generally, I'm a happy person, but the loss of my couple, and chaos at work have worn me down.  I'm looking for that endorphin rush that comes with some physical touch.  I remember how glorious it feels-quite like a drug.  

"Ah, and there's the rub.  I'm a recovering alcoholic (since 1983), and don't do drugs (okay, a mild diuretic for my high blood pressure).  And here in Florida, it seems that sooo many people are caught in that trap.

"My life is complicated.  I've made time for a couple coffee dates.  

"I don't have time for a relationship, but I miss being touched.  Or I need a work out buddy... so I can get stronger to deal with the whole dating scene. 

"Complicated, conflicted, tying up loose ends.  Last year, everything changed, and now I just want to create some new energy, and beginnings. "

So far, this year has proved to be less than pleasant.  A bout of food poisoning, and the loss of a valued co-worker.  I've recovered; she's moved to greener pastures.  We'll see what the future holds.

Even when you do the right thing, someone may take it the wrong way.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly
hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from
an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She
will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some
divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig
deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the
same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars.
This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short
but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

Yes, it's a joke, but there's a kernel of truth.  What I do, even with the best intentions, can be interpreted completely differently.  

Introvert vs. Extrovert

My triad has lots of "Introvert" vs. "extrovert discussions...

Our primary extrovert is now gone, but frequently cited Introvert/Extrovert as the source of conflict.  Most pressing is that we were mismatched in our daily functions.  I'm the Introvert and saddled with a job which requires frequent, constant contact and communication with co-workers.  Meanwhile, my extrovert partner was sitting at home alone the entire day.  

When I'd come home to relax and be alone, she'd be ready to go out and do things, meet people and have a good time.  Because that extrovert couldn't have a good time unless there is an audience and lots of energy.  The only time I was alone was during my 15 minute commute each day.  

I'd come home exhausted to someone who wanted entertainment, and I was not enough.  She didn't drive, and couldn't entertain herself.  So I ended up being the bad guy... Keeping her from doing what she wanted.  I prevented her from living a happy life in a larger city.  Now she's gone to the city... enjoying the life she wanted, back to wild parties with lots of friends.  

I've wondered if it is easier to be in a relationship similar or different personality types.  My other partner is an introvert.  We've got very different viewpoints, but enjoy spirited conversations.  

Maybe the other relationship would have worked if our lives were reversed... She had the job with lots of people contact, and I had the quiet life at home.  We'll never know. 

What I want... and what I don't want...

I'm not sure when I wrote this... With the numbers I can guess it was around the date I've attached to it.  I'm glad this time of my life is over.  I'm glad I'm able to ask for what I need.  Communication.. It's so important.



I'm guessing some will be offended.  Sorry.

Currently, I'm between relationships.  Or when I get really frustrated... I'll never have sex again.

In the past 7 years, I've had sex for 1.5 years.  Five years I was with someone who just drifted away from sex.  It was a bit of everything: He was too depressed to have sex; He turned me down for sex several times, so I stopped asking; He was on medication that had "sexual side effects."  Ultimately, we got out of the habit.  Now, we had never been bunnies.  In our most randy months, we'd have sex three times.

So here's a list of don't want: Depressed men, Medicated men who can't perform, Men with no sense of self.

I like sex.  I love the lift it gives to my mood.  And currently, I can't even think of someone I'd like to fuck.  I recently picked up The Ethical Slut.

Journaling

Recently I was giving advice about dealing with a break up.  This is how I deal with the current limbo... which is my relationships.

Start Journaling (if you aren't already)-- write about this experience, so you can go back later and see what lessons are in it.

I'm going through a Triad break up.. not as traumatic as yours, but painful.  So I'm writing what went well, what went wrong.  The next relationship will be different, I want to be more cautious with my heart.

By writing out what's going on, I can look at it objectively later.  What should I do differently next time?  There's a lot to think about... and most is best left private.  So I'm working to get stronger, emotionally and physically.  and working to heal myself after this break up before I move on.

Journaling also helps me identify WHY I feel a certain way.  About a week ago I realized that it was old shame... I was quite critical of "the other woman," when I was in my 20's.  Now I am that woman... In the Poly community, I might be considered a "cowgirl."  Although my (remaining) partner and I are both still poly.   I feel shame.  Writing about this feeling helped understand why I feel this way.

One thing I learned about myself...(which I'll share publicly)  I don't like dating.  I don't like NRE.  I prefer the long-term quiet companionship of a relationship.  So I tend to push a relationship into that model... perhaps before it is ready... before I've considered how well this will work for everyone.  I need to date longer, learn more about people, enjoy the diversity, before settling down to a physical relationship.

Being honest, and communication

I'm failing at communications.  I asked for cross streets instead of asking for an address... worse I asked when I didn't have paper and pen, and about 30 minutes later than I wanted to ask.  Less than an hour later I was angry, and frustrated.  No responses from texts.. and I knew that I should have pushed to get the address, rather than just an intersection.

So I need to improve my communication. Ask the right questions, re-ask if I don't get a useable answer.

Meanwhile, everything has changed.

I've lost my lovers.  One has remained as a roommate, but even that is awkward and comfortable.  I miss being touched,  I miss being able to reach out and touch.  I miss the closeness, and the joy of being with someone.

When I think about it, I cry.  So I avoid thinking about it.

I'm seeing their flaws and what they perceive themselves to be.  Are my perceptions as wrong? I think I communicate well... I don't.  I've picked up bad habits of communicating in code... but not knowing if the other person understands.

So life is pretty uncomfortable now.  Just being honest.

Recently a partner asked that I "act as if nothing is wrong" when we are around friends.  However, there is a lot wrong.  A month later, I broke up with her. I did as she asked for 4 or 5 social events.  I couldn't do it anymore.  We were snapping at each other, we were angry.  I didn't compliment her when talking to others.  Maybe they didn't know how deep the schism was, but they knew something was wrong.

I want others to see my relationship as wonderful.  However, that has been a lie for several months.  My triad is splitting, splintering.. This is happening when my professional life is at an all time low, and my energy levels are low, and the world seems to be crashing down around me.  I'm getting into conversations with negative energy crackles through the air.

I need to focus on myself, build my strength, rebuild my life.