James G-... Rest in Peace

My marriage seems like a bad piece of fiction, half forgotten due to better written, more recent works.  Matt and I married in December, 1981... Yep, it was a long time ago.  At the time, his parents objected to the marriage.  We were too young.  They didn't know me, and quite frankly, didn't like what they knew about me. I drank too much; I knew too much about drugs.

James G- was my father in law for a little over a year.  He and I started badly.  Matt was his youngest son, sickly as a child, and spoiled as a teenager.  I was obviously a bad influence, since Matt was head over heels in love. 

They first realized I existed when Matt announced we were engaged...At the time, he was in the hospital for pneumonia.  I was visiting, and his mother couldn't understand why a friend would drive from Indianapolis in a snowstorm to visit. She was also probably annoyed that I was tiring him... when he should be healing.  She was right.  I shouldn't have come.  Ah, young, foolish love. 

Then there was the time my parents drove to Bloomington from Carmel to pick me up.  They were unhappy that I couldn't find someone going all the way to Indianapolis.  Matt and I planned it so our parents could meet.  Though we didn't tell them that was the plan.. Awkward.  I created a lot of the craziness in that life.

Mr. G-, I never could bring myself to call him Jim. was unhappy that I kept my maiden name, equally unhappy when I hyphenated the names.  At the end of the first year of marriage, it was on the rocks at the time, I conceded.. changing my name to his.

After less than a year, Matt and I separated.. I couldn't afford to support him anymore.. I could barely support myself.  We agreed we'd get back together.  Maybe we believed that. 

Then there was the phone call... Matt said, "My dad wants a divorce." 

and I replied, "What does your Mom say?"

"She agrees."

My parents had divorced the previous year, so I offered comfort.."That's hard. but my parents seem to be doing well with their divorce. So hopefully yours will be happy with theirs."

"No- they want us to get divorced."

"I didn't marry your father.  Why is HE asking me for a divorce?"

Eventually Mr. G- paid for the divorce, that was 28 years ago.  I hated it.  Understood why he was doing it.  There were probably legal issues I didn't understand then (we were breaking a lease, had minimal assets,)  If only... more time, more money, more something could have fixed that great romance.

In time, I grew used to the idea of being divorced at 23.  and life went on-  After a few years, there were others my age who were divorced.  

Last week I found his obituary.  He was an interesting man- a high ranking administrator, with a gift of saying the right thing when a camera was shoved in his face during tragic moments.  I remember him doing a local news spot when a university student was killed.

So I was Googling, and wondered about Mr. G-. He died last year. Matt wrote the obituary.  His daughter who wanted to be doctor is now a vet.  And I'm wishing I could sit down with him and tell him thank you.  

Thank you, and you were right, we were too young, I did drink too much.. and well, thank you.  For catching Matt when I couldn't hold him anymore... and for the tough love that I needed.  Thank you for paying for the divorce.  That gave me options and freedoms that I didn't appreciate.  

Friendship... what it is... what it isn't.

Blow up on Valentine's Day with my work out buddy. She has been expecting a lot from a relatively new relationship.   She's an acquaintance who thinks she's a BFF. Our perspectives on the relationship are very different.

My longest term friendship dates back to 5th or 6th grade. Time isn't the only factor in friendship.. but it is important.  A friendship deepens as time goes on.  Knowing the entire history.. of the marriages, the children, the jobs.. it's important for a deeper understanding.  Long conversations don't replace short weekly/daily exchanges over years.

Another factor is common activities/interests.  I've got many online friends who have become dear to me because of their knitting or eBay selling or poly household.  Sometimes a single interest can bloom into a beautiful friendship... given time and space.

I had known this acquaintance for several months.  She thought we were friends.. and perhaps we could have been.  However, on Valentine's Day, she had a melt down over Yahoo chat.  She called me a liar, and well, I've been there before.  The truth comes out... but too little and too late.  Invariably, the broken trust is difficult to regain.  And with this relationship, there was no reason for me to save it.

 Lately, the difference in how people perceive a relationship had cropped up as a topic in several diverse places.  Invariably, it is that there's a difference in definition or understanding.

Friendship requires a give and take..Speaking and listening.  Whenever the conversation becomes a monologue, it is time to re-evaluation the relationship.  I'm willing to listen for a long time.  Many people need to talk through difficult situations.  I have a talent for asking questions... and making people think about other options.

Thank you for reading this... I needed to write it.  I've deleted a lot of info that I needed to write for myself.
 

Patience, Hell, I'm gonna kill something..

Somedays I feel this way... I want everything, and I want it now.

I've also done this... screwing up a possible good thing by rushing it... either by forcing an issue that needs time, or by saying the wrong thing.

Too esoteric, eh?  Right now, I'm in a "transition" phase.  I've cleared most of the wreckage from my previous relationship away.  There's a nice clean area to build.  I'm working on the foundation.  But today I'm wishing for what I can't have.  I want to see the future.. I want to be ten years into a long term relationship.

So I need to pull myself into today... enjoy the moment.. and realize that time takes time.  When searching for the above graphic...this quote popped up:  "Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting."

Yep, I'm going to have to wait, I just need to practice a good attitude.  Okay, now time to face real life..

Poly book... outline.. the seed of what may be..

I started outlining a story... might be a book---fiction about a poly family.  I've dabbled in writing erotica- for myself.  Don't know that the two would go together well... I'm experimenting.  It would be nice to have a book with good information.. without preaching.

On the other hand, a romance is simple... two characters..a complication, a passionate embrace, a happy ending.  And a poly story would be more complex... three/four characters.. no, an entire party of characters.. because polys tend to be social... and have lovers, confidants, co-workers, and meetings.  After 8 months, I'm just starting to see the connections, and levels of friendship.

But more complex/challenging is the communication needed for a true poly relationship.  Charting the emotional and physical care of a relationship.  It's intense in real life, can I bring that passion and drama to the page?

Even outlining the characters.. I find a few minor characters demanding attention.  How can I have a poly community without a man-whore?  and a predator is required.  Heck, sometimes they are the same person.  And just like a swinger can slide into a poly relationship, perhaps a man-whore can become a polyfidelous member of a tribe.

If I set this slightly in the future, I can assume that poly is a more accepted form than it currently is.  Because I believe this is a way to provide family for those who've got small families, or who've distanced themselves from their families.  This also provides a use for those McMansions that have been abandoned due to the housing crash.

And as an added fantasy.. I know the fantasy wishlists of polys... poly couples want a unicorn or another couple...a single poly man wants a harem.   I know that has special challenges.  So I can provide a fiction hunt for that unicorn.  And show that unicorns can be found in unlikely places.

Advice for someone just starting in the poly/BDSM lifestyle.

In the last couple weeks, I've been meeting people who are new to these lifestyles.  And I've been thinking about the lessons I've learned...

Now I realize that most will chose to learn through trial and error... as I did..  But I enjoy thinking about what I've learned.

In no particular order:

Women hold a great deal of power in these lifestyles.  We are a scarce commodity, and get respect.

The same problems I had in RL, I have in my play life.

You can't take a secret back... be careful what you say, and where you say it.  Realize that most people don't realize what is secret, and how damaging the secret can be.  Or as the Russian proverb says, "Two men can keep a secret if one is dead."

Sometimes I went too far... forgot my boundary, and learned a great deal about myself.  After that I knew where I was comfortable.  Those aren't really mistakes.. unless I fail to learn from them.

Sex is an amazing powerful force.  Be careful.  Do not accidentally "fall in love."  Don't confuse sex and love.  Like coffee and tea.. they may seem similar.. but are very different in origin, purpose and effect.

There's always  a "new shiny" in the area...

Learn to love yourself.  Listen to all opinions... but you don't have to agree with all.  Learn from everyone, even those who know very little.  Protect yourself. Gauge the experience and intent of your playmates.

Play and watch play in public, before you do private scenes.  Ask for a friend to watch over you.  (appoint as "safety officer."  Learn.. about diseases, transmission, Johnson's Baby Shampoo.. etc.

Use protection.  You're not just protecting yourself... but your current partners... and people you don't know.. yet.. but will love... in the future.

The biggest surprise.. and I think I've written about this.. is the shift from "goal oriented" sex .. that is, making sure my partner has an orgasm... to a more general... touching and doing things that feel good... yes, there are O's along the way... but there's no purpose.  I guess a good analogy would be a trip to the mailbox vs. a trail hike in the state park.

No surprises.  I'm learning how nice it is to have no surprises, to communicate..

And there are zillions of kinds of different kink.  I don't have to enjoy all of them... just enough to have fun..

NEVER say you have no hard limits.. everyone has a hard limit.. even if it is that they don't want to go to jail for doing XYZ.  It's okay to not like a fetish.  but remember to love the people..

I'll think of more later.

Serious questions... no good answers.

Why are you here?  
Why do you want to be involved with us at this time?  
What are your intentions?  
Are you going to hurt us?

I've been asked these questions.  My mind has rolled through answers, discussion, philosophy.  And I don't have answers to any of them.

Okay, I have an answer to the last question.  Yes... I am statistically likely to hurt you.  The odds of "happily ever after" are so darn slim... I can guarantee someone's heart will be broken.  But I'd like to enjoy the next 6 days, 6 months, 6 years... or 60 years before that happens.  Are you willing to enjoy the pleasure, knowing that ultimately there will be pain?

My last long term relationship fizzled out.  He stopped touching me, I stopped asking to be touched.. We drifted apart.  I took too long to realize it was over.  I took too long to start looking.  And that's a pattern.  I tend to stay emotionally involved, long after my partner has checked out.  Does this change with poly?  With communication being better... at least I'll KNOW the relationship is over.

What are my intentions?
I want to explore, do things I've never done, build a relationship, learn to trust again.  And those are both selfish and non-selfish.  What are my plans for the relationship?  I don't know.  I don't think planning works for relationships... at least not where I am.  Once upon a time, it worked for me.... I planned the white wedding, and the house with a picket fence.  I'd be the computer programmer at a small Christian College, while my husband was Director of Food Services.  Maybe in time, plans will seem appropriate.  Now I just want to explore the NRE.

Why do you want to be involved with us at this time?  

It would be easier if I scheduled love-- maybe like an appointment.  With a place, person and date/time safely noted in my planner..  So I could arrive properly briefed and prepared.  There's never a good time to fall in "like."  There's never a bad time to fall in "like."  And I'm still not ready to say love. 

Why are you here?  

Why not?

See- answers, but not good ones.  These questions deserve better answers.  So I'm working on better answers... for myself... for others.  

Baggage

Baggage... what does it mean to you?

Jul. 1, 2010

After reading quite a few complaints about others on dating websites, I realized that Baggage means different things to different people.  More bluntly, my baggage is always small (carryon, maybe a backpack) and other's baggage is large (a steamer trunk, or matching Louis Vuitton bags in various sizes from extremely large to medium size.)

I'm 50.  A nice round number.  By this age, everyone has some baggage.  A bad marriage, children, bankruptcy, career mis-steps, addictions, jail terms, Something.  Heck, at this age, if someone has NOT been married, they require an explanation. 

So what should be disclosed up front?  There isn't a comprehensive list.  What I consider shocking, another person might consider tame, and vice versa.  You like to be spanked? Yawn.  You dated a registered Sex Offender?  Whoa... there's a deal breaker... your judgement must be questionable. 

So I'm thinking about baggage today... Wondering what interesting items will be in the baggage of my future friends.  What aches and pains made them the special person that I love.  How they became who they are... Hoping that my baggage has cleared security, so I can clutch it, when I meet the next few friends.

One person's handbag, is another's steamer trunk.