Advice for someone just starting in the poly/BDSM lifestyle.

In the last couple weeks, I've been meeting people who are new to these lifestyles.  And I've been thinking about the lessons I've learned...

Now I realize that most will chose to learn through trial and error... as I did..  But I enjoy thinking about what I've learned.

In no particular order:

Women hold a great deal of power in these lifestyles.  We are a scarce commodity, and get respect.

The same problems I had in RL, I have in my play life.

You can't take a secret back... be careful what you say, and where you say it.  Realize that most people don't realize what is secret, and how damaging the secret can be.  Or as the Russian proverb says, "Two men can keep a secret if one is dead."

Sometimes I went too far... forgot my boundary, and learned a great deal about myself.  After that I knew where I was comfortable.  Those aren't really mistakes.. unless I fail to learn from them.

Sex is an amazing powerful force.  Be careful.  Do not accidentally "fall in love."  Don't confuse sex and love.  Like coffee and tea.. they may seem similar.. but are very different in origin, purpose and effect.

There's always  a "new shiny" in the area...

Learn to love yourself.  Listen to all opinions... but you don't have to agree with all.  Learn from everyone, even those who know very little.  Protect yourself. Gauge the experience and intent of your playmates.

Play and watch play in public, before you do private scenes.  Ask for a friend to watch over you.  (appoint as "safety officer."  Learn.. about diseases, transmission, Johnson's Baby Shampoo.. etc.

Use protection.  You're not just protecting yourself... but your current partners... and people you don't know.. yet.. but will love... in the future.

The biggest surprise.. and I think I've written about this.. is the shift from "goal oriented" sex .. that is, making sure my partner has an orgasm... to a more general... touching and doing things that feel good... yes, there are O's along the way... but there's no purpose.  I guess a good analogy would be a trip to the mailbox vs. a trail hike in the state park.

No surprises.  I'm learning how nice it is to have no surprises, to communicate..

And there are zillions of kinds of different kink.  I don't have to enjoy all of them... just enough to have fun..

NEVER say you have no hard limits.. everyone has a hard limit.. even if it is that they don't want to go to jail for doing XYZ.  It's okay to not like a fetish.  but remember to love the people..

I'll think of more later.