Poly book... outline.. the seed of what may be..

I started outlining a story... might be a book---fiction about a poly family.  I've dabbled in writing erotica- for myself.  Don't know that the two would go together well... I'm experimenting.  It would be nice to have a book with good information.. without preaching.

On the other hand, a romance is simple... two characters..a complication, a passionate embrace, a happy ending.  And a poly story would be more complex... three/four characters.. no, an entire party of characters.. because polys tend to be social... and have lovers, confidants, co-workers, and meetings.  After 8 months, I'm just starting to see the connections, and levels of friendship.

But more complex/challenging is the communication needed for a true poly relationship.  Charting the emotional and physical care of a relationship.  It's intense in real life, can I bring that passion and drama to the page?

Even outlining the characters.. I find a few minor characters demanding attention.  How can I have a poly community without a man-whore?  and a predator is required.  Heck, sometimes they are the same person.  And just like a swinger can slide into a poly relationship, perhaps a man-whore can become a polyfidelous member of a tribe.

If I set this slightly in the future, I can assume that poly is a more accepted form than it currently is.  Because I believe this is a way to provide family for those who've got small families, or who've distanced themselves from their families.  This also provides a use for those McMansions that have been abandoned due to the housing crash.

And as an added fantasy.. I know the fantasy wishlists of polys... poly couples want a unicorn or another couple...a single poly man wants a harem.   I know that has special challenges.  So I can provide a fiction hunt for that unicorn.  And show that unicorns can be found in unlikely places.

Advice for someone just starting in the poly/BDSM lifestyle.

In the last couple weeks, I've been meeting people who are new to these lifestyles.  And I've been thinking about the lessons I've learned...

Now I realize that most will chose to learn through trial and error... as I did..  But I enjoy thinking about what I've learned.

In no particular order:

Women hold a great deal of power in these lifestyles.  We are a scarce commodity, and get respect.

The same problems I had in RL, I have in my play life.

You can't take a secret back... be careful what you say, and where you say it.  Realize that most people don't realize what is secret, and how damaging the secret can be.  Or as the Russian proverb says, "Two men can keep a secret if one is dead."

Sometimes I went too far... forgot my boundary, and learned a great deal about myself.  After that I knew where I was comfortable.  Those aren't really mistakes.. unless I fail to learn from them.

Sex is an amazing powerful force.  Be careful.  Do not accidentally "fall in love."  Don't confuse sex and love.  Like coffee and tea.. they may seem similar.. but are very different in origin, purpose and effect.

There's always  a "new shiny" in the area...

Learn to love yourself.  Listen to all opinions... but you don't have to agree with all.  Learn from everyone, even those who know very little.  Protect yourself. Gauge the experience and intent of your playmates.

Play and watch play in public, before you do private scenes.  Ask for a friend to watch over you.  (appoint as "safety officer."  Learn.. about diseases, transmission, Johnson's Baby Shampoo.. etc.

Use protection.  You're not just protecting yourself... but your current partners... and people you don't know.. yet.. but will love... in the future.

The biggest surprise.. and I think I've written about this.. is the shift from "goal oriented" sex .. that is, making sure my partner has an orgasm... to a more general... touching and doing things that feel good... yes, there are O's along the way... but there's no purpose.  I guess a good analogy would be a trip to the mailbox vs. a trail hike in the state park.

No surprises.  I'm learning how nice it is to have no surprises, to communicate..

And there are zillions of kinds of different kink.  I don't have to enjoy all of them... just enough to have fun..

NEVER say you have no hard limits.. everyone has a hard limit.. even if it is that they don't want to go to jail for doing XYZ.  It's okay to not like a fetish.  but remember to love the people..

I'll think of more later.

Serious questions... no good answers.

Why are you here?  
Why do you want to be involved with us at this time?  
What are your intentions?  
Are you going to hurt us?

I've been asked these questions.  My mind has rolled through answers, discussion, philosophy.  And I don't have answers to any of them.

Okay, I have an answer to the last question.  Yes... I am statistically likely to hurt you.  The odds of "happily ever after" are so darn slim... I can guarantee someone's heart will be broken.  But I'd like to enjoy the next 6 days, 6 months, 6 years... or 60 years before that happens.  Are you willing to enjoy the pleasure, knowing that ultimately there will be pain?

My last long term relationship fizzled out.  He stopped touching me, I stopped asking to be touched.. We drifted apart.  I took too long to realize it was over.  I took too long to start looking.  And that's a pattern.  I tend to stay emotionally involved, long after my partner has checked out.  Does this change with poly?  With communication being better... at least I'll KNOW the relationship is over.

What are my intentions?
I want to explore, do things I've never done, build a relationship, learn to trust again.  And those are both selfish and non-selfish.  What are my plans for the relationship?  I don't know.  I don't think planning works for relationships... at least not where I am.  Once upon a time, it worked for me.... I planned the white wedding, and the house with a picket fence.  I'd be the computer programmer at a small Christian College, while my husband was Director of Food Services.  Maybe in time, plans will seem appropriate.  Now I just want to explore the NRE.

Why do you want to be involved with us at this time?  

It would be easier if I scheduled love-- maybe like an appointment.  With a place, person and date/time safely noted in my planner..  So I could arrive properly briefed and prepared.  There's never a good time to fall in "like."  There's never a bad time to fall in "like."  And I'm still not ready to say love. 

Why are you here?  

Why not?

See- answers, but not good ones.  These questions deserve better answers.  So I'm working on better answers... for myself... for others.  

Baggage

Baggage... what does it mean to you?

Jul. 1, 2010

After reading quite a few complaints about others on dating websites, I realized that Baggage means different things to different people.  More bluntly, my baggage is always small (carryon, maybe a backpack) and other's baggage is large (a steamer trunk, or matching Louis Vuitton bags in various sizes from extremely large to medium size.)

I'm 50.  A nice round number.  By this age, everyone has some baggage.  A bad marriage, children, bankruptcy, career mis-steps, addictions, jail terms, Something.  Heck, at this age, if someone has NOT been married, they require an explanation. 

So what should be disclosed up front?  There isn't a comprehensive list.  What I consider shocking, another person might consider tame, and vice versa.  You like to be spanked? Yawn.  You dated a registered Sex Offender?  Whoa... there's a deal breaker... your judgement must be questionable. 

So I'm thinking about baggage today... Wondering what interesting items will be in the baggage of my future friends.  What aches and pains made them the special person that I love.  How they became who they are... Hoping that my baggage has cleared security, so I can clutch it, when I meet the next few friends.

One person's handbag, is another's steamer trunk.  

old words.. new meanings..

Since exploring polyamory, I've discovered completely new meanings to old words..

Friend... The definition has expanded to include lovers who cease to be lovers, but remain friends...

Ummmm Friend is... a vague definition... used by my umm friend... when she wasn't sure if I wanted to admit to another person that I'm physically involved with another woman.  And I'm still unsure about how I feel about any of the labels that go along with the floaty, delightful feeling of kissing a woman.

Sleeping with... used to be a euphemism for sex with someone... Ironic, isn't it?  Generally when people are sleeping with someone, they aren't actually sleeping.  In th poly world... at least the one I'm in... Sleeping with.. means snuggling (not sweaty snuggles).. just common, innocent snuggles in a bed..

Then this weekend... a discussion and the phrase Jacob's Ladder came up... again, after a few sentences, I knew that my definition was out of sync with the conversation... so I asked. (because my netbook, aka my addiction wasn't up)  yep, not the Old Testament story that I remember.. and I thought Prince Albert was all I needed to know...

"Fluid bond" a year ago would have seemed like a car guy thing.. since they are fond of various fluids (trans fluid, windshield wiper fluid, motor oil, brake fluid, etc.)  and Bondo.  How odd that Bondo is on Urban dictionary... although it is very useful for .. body work..

Thanks to Urban Dictionary... I've learned a lot of new phrases... I just can't use them Monday through Friday afternoon. I'll add more later.. just wanted to play with the new vocabulary.

Another bit of writing without a home...

By the way, if anyone is keeping track... Today is my 29th anniversary... (I'd be out of prison by now..)  I've been divorced for 27.75 years..

For Christmas my mother sent a box of "my stuff that she found."  Included were several high school mementos... and my wedding invitation.  It's official... I don't feel anything about it.. Kinda wish I knew where my ex-husband is... so I could tell him.

As I realized Christmas night... They are just things, not good thing, not bad things, just things.

cause my mom included a bunch of funeral/memorial pamphlets-  from my dad's family.

and I got the 7th & 8th pictures of my grandfather... He died when dad was 14....so there weren't many photos.  I only saw 3 before dad died.  When going through dad's things, there were 3 more... that I had never seen.  In this box from mom... two more.. One developed a few months after he died... showing him & dad with a line of fish.  I look like him... I look like my dad..  They're both gone.  And I'm the same age my grandfather was when he died...

And because everyone should have a cry over my mom's Christmas gifts...  She included a box of matches from the Windows on the World restaurant... you know... the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center.

They're just things.. they don't carry the emotional bullshit that they would have several years ago... Pretty amazing. I didn't realize that not feeling... was a step forward.

For many years I didn't cry.  Avoided feeling emotions... Later I learned to feel the sadness, and grief... I needed to work through those emotions.   Now I'm comfortable.. feeling joy and love.. I'm even letting people help me.. and trying to help others..

It's been an amazing journey... but this isn't the end...

My week, two very different beds

My week, two very different beds

My life is two very separate lives. During the week, I'm a responsible corporate drone. On weekends, I'm joyfully spending time with my couple. 

During the week, I spend a lot of time waiting. I am busy. However, a couple times a day, I pause and think about my other life... 

I wasn't sure I'd be able to sleep with anyone. No, not the sex part.. the actual slumber. I've slept alone... with an occasional visitor for most of my life. I've had the entire Queen bed to myself. I snore. I sleep fitfully, getting up several times during the night. 

So I was worried. Then I had a chance to sleep with someone (post sex)...and it worked.. I could sleep next to someone.. and my snoring wasn't as bad as his!! 

The next awkward moment was when a couple asked me to join them in bed... nothing sexual.. just sleeping together. 

I really didn't know what to say... I had decided that in this new life, I needed to accept invitations, and offers, and challenges. So I said yes... 

Now I sleep alone during the week, and cuddling on weekends. Last night alone. Tonight... a glorious three way cuddle. 

I never thought about the edge of the bed.. Apparently, it is a familiar landmark. I'm not comfortable in the middle. I feel like I'm crowding one person or another. Whereas, on the edge... I know where I lie. (lay? Darn you, Mrs. Carnahan -- my 8th grade Grammar teacher). 

Fortunately in our threesome, someone is comfortable in the middle. Sometimes I wonder how others handle this... Do they draw straws? Just pile into bed and wrestle for the middle? or do people tend to sleep in the same spot?