conversation with ex-boyfriend's girlfriend.

She wants me to call him my friend, rather than ex-boyfriend. I understand her point. It sounds bitter.

On the other hand, after dating for 7 years, living with him for another 9 years, and moving to another state to be rejected, 'friend' just seems inadequate. Can I get a tiny bit of credit for feeding him, waking him, and knowing him for 20 years? I realize it doesn't count to him.

She seems to think I'm living in the past. Oddly, at this point, I'm building a future...with others.. without attaching to any single person to "fix" me.

And I deal with his neglect and comments on a daily basis. It's easy to say, "He told me I was unattractive." but does she really understand? To her, image and looks are less important, so that comment is neutral.

And she wants us to be friends. We(the three of us) are friends. But the damage is still there. My communication was stunted by talking with him. I don't rock the boat, I avoid controversial subjects, and tend to be an emotional doormat.

We were a good match at the time. I needed a steady male influence for my daughter. The passion, the physical were not important. However, now they are. I've neglected myself, the touching of my body, and the emotional needs for too long.

Ultimately, the issue was commitment. I loved him, and was willing to change who I was to be with him. His troll communication style rubbed off onto my real life. I planned on caring for him, even though he didn't love me. Now that doesn't matter.. He's got another love. She will cure his depression, his apathy, his unemployment, his... well... lifestyle. They are soul mates.

She doesn't mean it as an insult. I wish her luck. I couldn't make him happy. I hope she can. But yesterday, he just looked exhausted and old.

Meanwhile, my life progresses. I'm rediscovering communication. Direct communication gets direct results. I'm learning that some men are pigs. My roommate.. a nice guy.. just loves to fuck. He calls himself poly but basically screws anything that will let him. The emotional relationship is minimal/nonexistent. He brags that if he doesn't screw a woman by the third date, he stops dating her.

Our relationship has changed. Since he has added 2 women in 6 weeks (well, counting me that's 3 in 6 weeks), I'm requiring a condom. In the first conversation, he's basically refusing, hasn't worn one since he was a teenager. Well, I've got future lovers to protect.

Yep, this is a bitchy post. Sorry. I need another cup of coffee.

I'm falling madly in like...

One curse of being older is that I'm a jaded about relationships. I want to believe in "forever" and "happily ever after." But I'm also painfully aware that forever can be as short as 14 months(my marriage) or 16 years (my last long term relationship).

At a certain point, it feels like forever... the shared memories and joys.

That's not where I am right now.

I'm in the tenative beginnings of a relationship. Everything is vivid and joyfilled. I cherish conversations, and remember glances. The glancing touch of a hand is ecstatic. NRE... New Relationship Energy. I see what it is like now... I'm bullet proof...I float, and sigh. I trust... in strange and wonderful ways.

Example... sharing websites... what a blast... finding new sites that someone else loves.. and I like that person... so the websites are another way to explore that person's interests. Each delightful page of comics I don't understand... or abstract art... or decorating ideas.

Last weekend, we went to a museum. The abstract art show was amazing.. and we compared what we liked, what we adored. We analyzed what attracted us to various pieces. Then at the end was a coffee table with an art project. We both did the project... Then I watched as she concentrated on a project of her own... Another friend sat at the end of the couch... and I sat and meditated. I marked that moment... the lighting, the art, the people, how I sat, what I felt... so I could recall it.. when I wanted a pleasant place/memory.

I could say more.. but shouldn't and won't. Life is unfolding as it should. I will be patient.

and I will enjoy the amazing energy of this new relationship.

Poly life.

I'm still new to this... and I'm surprised at how well I've adapted to the poly life.

Two days ago, I told my ex-bf that I'm in a poly relationship. He didn't realize that he opened a new way of thinking. I've been hanging around Poly websites, meeting new people, and generally enjoying poly --- everything.

I didn't share because I've come into Poly backwards. Originally, I wanted to understand relationships... because I need to learn.

The autopsy on my last relationship, I mapped what I was lacking... Poly teaches a lot of the communication skills that I am missing.

How to be a friend.

I've been thinking about this lately. What is a friend? How do I select friends?

I got burned here. Thought someone was a friend of a friend, and therefore my friend.

Only when their friendship went sour, so did mine.

Were they really my friend? I've always given my friends the benefit of the doubt...

Instead of blasting them --- I'll ask why they believe this or that.. I'll check to see

if it was a misunderstanding.

So that's the current litmus test--- am I trusting people too much? Probably. But I

don't want the s out there to turn me into a negative gun-shy lurker.

How do I pick friends? Common interests... common location.... common loves. and

I listen. I love hearing new stories and new viewpoints. I love knowing more about

the different areas, and lives and perspectives.

Am I a bad person? Nah... just a stupid person who trusts others. I am who I am.

Can't change that...

Eventually, I'll be a better friend because of this... and more gentle with the

acquaintances...

So I write a lot, but delete a lot.

Here's a sample of what's in my virtual trashcan.

I'm new to poly. Hadn't even heard the word until April of this year. I'm just exploring my options. I'm currently living with a poly man, he's got three girlfriends. That relationship is more practical than romantic. (I just got a job with an hour commute, and he lives in the city where I work.)

The forums tend to focus on the problems of poly. When things are going well... people tend to not post. And they seem to get a lot of first time crisis posters.

Right now, I suppose I'm more swinging than poly.... I'm not focusing on the emotional relationship, just the physical. Mostly this is because I was in a sexless relationship for several years, then was celibate for a few years after that. I'm enjoying the exploring my sexual side.

In time, I know I'll find a nice couple, or a tribe or maybe just a few dear friends for a long term relationship. It's awkward for me right now. I am focusing on meeting people, but really yearn for the 5 years together, already know each other's jokes and stories and bodies relationship.

Update on Polyamory.com

So in the past several months, much has changed.

I've been confronting the irrational beliefs that were left from my last relationship.

• I'm not attractive.
• I don't deserve sex.
• I don't like sex (yes, he told me... that *I* don't like sex.)
• I'm too fat for sex.
  

I've found people who say they are poly, but they are interested in sex first, and relationship later. Which seems rather swingerish to me. At this point, I'm leaning more towards swinging. I'd like to see what is out there. My goal is to settle into a poly relationship.

In the meantime, I've gotten a job, and have an hour commute. I'm renting a bedroom from a guy I met at a poly meeting. We're having wonderful conversations. And the combination of job and sex have greatly improved my confidence.

Meanwhile, I'm preparing to move, and life is far more interesting than I expected.

So I'm healing, and continuing on the journey.

Someone's upset with me.

Let's face it. Someone is always upset with me. -- an employee, a co-worker, a friend, a family member.

And when people post on the Internet-- even in friendly forums.

There was a cute, friendly board that a friend had... I started posting there... Then, well drama..

So I'm the bad guy. Some of the stuff, I know what I did. Other bits, I'm not sure.

Wow. So on the board, another poster is blasting me... absolutely blasting me.

She's hurt, so she's going to hurt me as much as possible.

Mental note: avoid pissing off 6' redheads--- she doesn't throw things... she throws grenades. If I disappear, she's the one that did it.