Relationship update.

Though I'm polyamorous, I don't always have multiple partners.  I've also avoided talking about my partner(s) here.  It just seems...weird.

My current partner and I live together for almost a year.  The place is small, and perfect for one.  With two, it is crowded.  I've also got two cats, and my partner is a dog person.  Awkward. 

But part of poly is enjoying the differences, and learning about other people.  My partner is starting to like the cats.  (but still wants a dog).  Ultimately, I see us moving to a larger place.  We've worked through the six month contract, have goals as individuals and as a couple.

Currently, I'm facing some health problems, and have been thinking about how having multiple partners can be wonderful in this situation.  About two years ago an acquaintance was battling breast cancer, and had both her husband and boyfriend for support.  I watched at a distance, awed at the situation. 

Six month contract...

After I've dated someone a while, I'll make a commitment. Not the kind most people make, but a simple, 6 month commitment.

Six months is long enough... there's stability, and comfort. We know we can make longer term plans... you know, beyond next weekend.

Of course there are bonuses.... lazy days spent in bed, touching, kissing and well, lots of touching because I love touching... I'm rather addicted to skin. --- the color, the scent, the feel of it.

After a couple six month commitments, I'll sign on for a year. And I'm there for that period of time. We renegotiate, extend the contract...

Or not. it has gone quiet, at a certain point, I'm not talking about my contract or commitment to you... because there isn't one.

Rather harsh? Rather practical? I know what my mother hopes I'll find....practical, dependable and forever.

But I want six months of bliss... followed by a few single year contracts... leading into a friendly break up... where we each find things we need.... in someone else. Is this model too callous? Too logical? I need something to protect me from the NRE...

What it means when I say "I love you."

What it means when I say "I love you."

I say it too much... to too many people.  I love you.  I use it as a thank you, a hello, as a greeting, as an exclamation.

and I mean it... to all those people.  I genuinely want you to be happy, to know that you are loved. To feel the joy and happiness I feel in your presence.

I don't want to wait until the right time to say it.  Years ago I'd calculate when was the best time to utter those three words.  I'd wait six months.  Once a lover muttered it, and I didn't return it... I couldn't ...not until the carefully scheduled day in two months. But now I use it all the time.

Sometimes I say it as reminder that there are others out there that love you....family, friends, future lovers.  They can't always be here to remind you that you are important.  "You are loved" seems a bit distant.  --Although the ad campaign is sincere.

Know now that I love you.  I see your struggles, and love you anyway.  You may not be my lover, but I care about you, and want you to grow, and learn and thrive.  I want to be there to cheer when you succeed, in big and small ways.

Does this mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you?  Probably not.  I love deeply, but don't own the people I love.  So they grow, and go.  And I'm glad, even when I'm crying.

Is this what "I love you" means to you?  Maybe not, but know that I love you.  And I'd rather be generous with those words, to the many people who need to hear them, than to carefully dole  them out at critical moments.

I do love you.  Maybe because of hours spent together, maybe because of years spent together.  And know that I never stop loving.  That's the advantage of Polyamory for me.  We may not have a physical relationship anymore, but I will love you.

Would you rather be right or happy?

Would you rather be right or happy?

This question was posed to me during couples counseling.  Years later I found out that my partner decided to leave me during that session.  Basically, he wanted to be right, and decided he could be right AND happy, if I wasn't around.

I hope that worked for him.  Communication is important.  I think I know what you want, and what I've said... but it is misheard.  I tell lovers to assume that I intend things to sound kind, and gentle.  But sometimes that doesn't happen.

Or worse, I'm trying to be gentle, and the message is lost completely.

Would you rather be right or happy?  I'd rather be happy.  I compromised in that relationship... Did dishes his way, ran on his schedule, fixed him dinner.. but ultimately, his impression was that I always got my way.  I needed that relationship to become who I am today.  I don't regret it.  But wish I had learned faster.

Recent FB thoughts...

Recently on Facebook, I've been annoyed at some friends' posts.  Here are my basic problems:

1. I dislike vicious political posts.  The name calling, the rudeness, seem un-helpful.
2. I'm not religious, and find the posts grating.
3. I've reached a place where I don't need the annoyance of every random thought that pops into someone's head.


Mostly my annoyance is with friends who are disabled, long term unemployed, who are voicing Conservative viewpoints (reduce taxes for the rich, decrease food stamps, increase outrage over the current president.)  It would make sense if they were employed, and making 6 figure salaries...  Because they are unemployed, they have a great deal of time to watch Fox News, get riled up about... whatever the current outrage is.

So I've unfriended them.  It seems strange.  I was so excited when I found them on FB, and now.  Well, I hope they live long and prosper.  And hopefully find some perspective.

Changes....

My world explodes in the next month.  I'm leaving my toxic dysfunctional job for a new job.  My roommate is moving out.... finally.  I've got my kitchen back.  I've got my garage back.

So I was handed a printed e-mail, and asked to distribute it.

My new administrator is old fashioned.  He doesn't understand how e-mail works.

Yesterday he handed me a printed e-mail which he had received, and asked me to copy and distribute to a group of employees before handing it (again) at a meeting later this month.

Wow.  I forget how old school someone can be with technology.

So while you were insisting you were right...

I'm going back and editing some random rants.  I tend to write to process my feelings when I'm hurt.  Otherwise I tend to yell and scream... which I know is the wrong way to treat the people I love.  This was written last year...  So It's no longer painful to the people involved.


So while you were insisting you were right and pounding me into the ground- to prove that I am wrong.  Even though you didn't listen to the question OR the answer...

So while you were doing that... I was hurting.  and falling out of love.  You don't want side conversations... unless you are involved.  You change the plans... You break agreements.

Do you realize that you just hurt this relationship?  Do you realize how much I resent being grilled in public?  Do you realize how inappropriate you are in public places?  Do you realize how loud you are?  How the people you talk about can hear you?

I just walk away.  and now I can't.  You've trapped me.  I can forgive... but this is happening too often now.  I can't  stand this.

This could be repaired.. .but you won't stop.. because you are right.. Always right.  So you won't change.  And suddenly I understand your previous relationship that ended when someone stopped talking to you.  Why bother talking to someone who is always right, and refuses to listen.

You are the center of the world.  You should get your way all the time.  Maybe you don't realize the people you've alienated.

What now?

My bedroom is a reflection of my personal life:  Dirty clothes scattered on the floor; a half unpacked suitcase; a pile of promising books; and dusty sex furniture.  As a friend recently asked," What happened to my life?"

It was going well, then I looked up and it was a shambles.  It seemed to happen overnight.  -- but that's not what happened.   I let a few little things slide, then a few more.  Until finally, my personal life and my bedroom were too cluttered for comfort. I need to take the time and clean up the mess.  Then I need to change my process, to prevent this in the future.

In the midst of major personal events, I realized I miss the physical connection.  To be blunt, I miss orgasms.  I miss the BDSM.  Feeling the kiss of the whip.  I miss the bounce in my step when I've had a good evening. I miss the endorphin rush.  It is like a drug.. suddenly everything seems better.. the world is brighter, the people are more tolerable.

So it is time to clean up, get back into good habits. Clean up the bedroom.. then fill the bed.

It doesn't matter what I mean, it matters what you want me to say.

Long miserable week..Seemed like everything I said was the wrong thing.  Friday I was sick, slept all day, waking long enough to read a few pages of Friday (by Heinlein)...then slept all night... Today I feel better, but still have a sore throat.  Okay, I'm just feeling whiny.

At work, a war has been going on.  I supervise a small (3 employees + me) department.  One employee has declared another her "enemy," because she "stabbed her in the back."  Okay, the Hawk/ Bully isn't telling what was done that was stabbing her in the back.. Frankly, I think she's inflating the language... a lot.  Seriously, this is office work.. shouldn't be that big a deal.

I wrote the above over a year ago.  So much changed.  The Hawk/Bully.... was diabetic... with high blood pressure, and ultimately had several TIAs (trans-ischemic attacks.... mini strokes).  That apparently is part of the change in personality, the tendency to be violent/rude/bullying.  Ultimately, she had a major stroke, and was unable to return to work.

The lessons... take care of yourself... no one else will.  Also, when you've got co-workers/employees who are becoming..... weird.... look at the physical first, then psychiatric issues.

The original title is appropriate.  Too many times people hear what they want to hear.  With Poly, (and knitting), check your work.  Verify that you've heard what you've heard.  Too many times we assume we know what someone wants.

Recently I was reminded that I need some quiet in my life.  I work in a fast paced office.... constant interactions with people wanting a variety of items/data, etc.  I need some quiet time to regroup.  My paramours know this. But fail to understand.  So scheduling a big party isn't my thing.. I prefer alone, or just a few people..

2013 status

January, 2013

Recently someone on a dating site asked what I wanted.  Here's the response I wrote, then deleted all but the first three paragraphs.  It still sounds like I'll date anyone--Recently I had a bad experience.  I'm still analyzing what went wrong  It seemed like a simple meeting.. and suddenly he was bragging about his gun, the NRA and judging my beliefs to be "asinine."  Seriously?  This is the way to impress a woman?  Pound her into the ground with Republican politics... then tell call her a "Liberal"-- like it is an insult.

Fifteen minutes.  He was only here for 15 minutes.  Insulted my house, my beliefs and was asked to leave.  I dated a troll.. and online troll.. for 15 years.  I tell when someone just wants to start a fight.  I should have asked him more questions.  I don't like guns.  I don't own one.. Don't like hearing people talk about them.  Actually had a friend who insisted that he could change that belief.  I don't like them.  Why can't the gun fans just leave me alone?  But no, this is when they need to "educate me."

Yet when I post this I seem intolerant.  My usual example was shot down by a friend.  Usually, I say I don't force you to knit, why are you forcing me to listen to your hobby... which honestly scares me.

"I do best with intelligent, open minded people.  

"Age and looks don't matter.  Personality and (the ever popular) sense of humor is important.  Generally, I'm a happy person, but the loss of my couple, and chaos at work have worn me down.  I'm looking for that endorphin rush that comes with some physical touch.  I remember how glorious it feels-quite like a drug.  

"Ah, and there's the rub.  I'm a recovering alcoholic (since 1983), and don't do drugs (okay, a mild diuretic for my high blood pressure).  And here in Florida, it seems that sooo many people are caught in that trap.

"My life is complicated.  I've made time for a couple coffee dates.  

"I don't have time for a relationship, but I miss being touched.  Or I need a work out buddy... so I can get stronger to deal with the whole dating scene. 

"Complicated, conflicted, tying up loose ends.  Last year, everything changed, and now I just want to create some new energy, and beginnings. "

So far, this year has proved to be less than pleasant.  A bout of food poisoning, and the loss of a valued co-worker.  I've recovered; she's moved to greener pastures.  We'll see what the future holds.

Even when you do the right thing, someone may take it the wrong way.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly
hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from
an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She
will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some
divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig
deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the
same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars.
This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short
but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

Yes, it's a joke, but there's a kernel of truth.  What I do, even with the best intentions, can be interpreted completely differently.  

Introvert vs. Extrovert

My triad has lots of "Introvert" vs. "extrovert discussions...

Our primary extrovert is now gone, but frequently cited Introvert/Extrovert as the source of conflict.  Most pressing is that we were mismatched in our daily functions.  I'm the Introvert and saddled with a job which requires frequent, constant contact and communication with co-workers.  Meanwhile, my extrovert partner was sitting at home alone the entire day.  

When I'd come home to relax and be alone, she'd be ready to go out and do things, meet people and have a good time.  Because that extrovert couldn't have a good time unless there is an audience and lots of energy.  The only time I was alone was during my 15 minute commute each day.  

I'd come home exhausted to someone who wanted entertainment, and I was not enough.  She didn't drive, and couldn't entertain herself.  So I ended up being the bad guy... Keeping her from doing what she wanted.  I prevented her from living a happy life in a larger city.  Now she's gone to the city... enjoying the life she wanted, back to wild parties with lots of friends.  

I've wondered if it is easier to be in a relationship similar or different personality types.  My other partner is an introvert.  We've got very different viewpoints, but enjoy spirited conversations.  

Maybe the other relationship would have worked if our lives were reversed... She had the job with lots of people contact, and I had the quiet life at home.  We'll never know. 

What I want... and what I don't want...

I'm not sure when I wrote this... With the numbers I can guess it was around the date I've attached to it.  I'm glad this time of my life is over.  I'm glad I'm able to ask for what I need.  Communication.. It's so important.



I'm guessing some will be offended.  Sorry.

Currently, I'm between relationships.  Or when I get really frustrated... I'll never have sex again.

In the past 7 years, I've had sex for 1.5 years.  Five years I was with someone who just drifted away from sex.  It was a bit of everything: He was too depressed to have sex; He turned me down for sex several times, so I stopped asking; He was on medication that had "sexual side effects."  Ultimately, we got out of the habit.  Now, we had never been bunnies.  In our most randy months, we'd have sex three times.

So here's a list of don't want: Depressed men, Medicated men who can't perform, Men with no sense of self.

I like sex.  I love the lift it gives to my mood.  And currently, I can't even think of someone I'd like to fuck.  I recently picked up The Ethical Slut.

Journaling

Recently I was giving advice about dealing with a break up.  This is how I deal with the current limbo... which is my relationships.

Start Journaling (if you aren't already)-- write about this experience, so you can go back later and see what lessons are in it.

I'm going through a Triad break up.. not as traumatic as yours, but painful.  So I'm writing what went well, what went wrong.  The next relationship will be different, I want to be more cautious with my heart.

By writing out what's going on, I can look at it objectively later.  What should I do differently next time?  There's a lot to think about... and most is best left private.  So I'm working to get stronger, emotionally and physically.  and working to heal myself after this break up before I move on.

Journaling also helps me identify WHY I feel a certain way.  About a week ago I realized that it was old shame... I was quite critical of "the other woman," when I was in my 20's.  Now I am that woman... In the Poly community, I might be considered a "cowgirl."  Although my (remaining) partner and I are both still poly.   I feel shame.  Writing about this feeling helped understand why I feel this way.

One thing I learned about myself...(which I'll share publicly)  I don't like dating.  I don't like NRE.  I prefer the long-term quiet companionship of a relationship.  So I tend to push a relationship into that model... perhaps before it is ready... before I've considered how well this will work for everyone.  I need to date longer, learn more about people, enjoy the diversity, before settling down to a physical relationship.

Being honest, and communication

I'm failing at communications.  I asked for cross streets instead of asking for an address... worse I asked when I didn't have paper and pen, and about 30 minutes later than I wanted to ask.  Less than an hour later I was angry, and frustrated.  No responses from texts.. and I knew that I should have pushed to get the address, rather than just an intersection.

So I need to improve my communication. Ask the right questions, re-ask if I don't get a useable answer.

Meanwhile, everything has changed.

I've lost my lovers.  One has remained as a roommate, but even that is awkward and comfortable.  I miss being touched,  I miss being able to reach out and touch.  I miss the closeness, and the joy of being with someone.

When I think about it, I cry.  So I avoid thinking about it.

I'm seeing their flaws and what they perceive themselves to be.  Are my perceptions as wrong? I think I communicate well... I don't.  I've picked up bad habits of communicating in code... but not knowing if the other person understands.

So life is pretty uncomfortable now.  Just being honest.

Recently a partner asked that I "act as if nothing is wrong" when we are around friends.  However, there is a lot wrong.  A month later, I broke up with her. I did as she asked for 4 or 5 social events.  I couldn't do it anymore.  We were snapping at each other, we were angry.  I didn't compliment her when talking to others.  Maybe they didn't know how deep the schism was, but they knew something was wrong.

I want others to see my relationship as wonderful.  However, that has been a lie for several months.  My triad is splitting, splintering.. This is happening when my professional life is at an all time low, and my energy levels are low, and the world seems to be crashing down around me.  I'm getting into conversations with negative energy crackles through the air.

I need to focus on myself, build my strength, rebuild my life.

What is my Agreement?

Recently found out that a friend & her tribe have a 14 page agreement.  So when someone wants to become part of that group, they are agreeing to.... well, lots.  I didn't ask if it was double spaced.  I hope it is for read-ability.

They require reading some books (Ethical Slut and something else...)  Lab work for STD's, every 6 months, with documentation, meeting all the partners, four dates before physical intimacy, and a variety of other... really good suggestions.  There's a lot of definition and boundaries listed.  (i.e.. What is sex? What is allowed?  Open mouthed kissing?  What about hand/genital contact?)  Their agreement makes clear very specific rules, so there is no misunderstandings later.  Granted, they have been courting some inexperienced poly potentials.. so clear definitions and communication is needed.

So I started to think about my agreement.  I'm part of a fluid-bonded triad. We dated for less than a year before we were fluid-bonded.  We were all tested, we verified the lab results.

We don't have any of that in writing.  We're a closed triad (we only are sexually intimate with each other, no outside lovers).  What would we put in a written agreement?  How many pages would it be 14 pages?  I can imagine a contract similar to a business contract.. including how to exit the relationship.  What would I put in an agreement?  As my triad is discussing it, we'll tailor the agreement to how we currently operate.

This agreement should be an interesting writing assignment.  Do I understand our relationship the way my partners do? And what would be other good information for an Agreement?

Nuclear bomb words..

Lately I've been hearing both sides of various arguments.  And some seem like the verbal equivalent of grade inflation ....  Small annoyances or comments blown into huge issues.

"She stabbed me in the back..."  "That dress was hideous..."

Most are said about rather mundane things.. but the words are filled with emotion.  I'm especially amused/annoyed when the person assures me that their nemesis... has "literally" stabbed them in the back.  Really?  How many stitches did the wound take?

I've been in the middle of "she said/he said"  or more accurately (but less clearly) "she said/she said."  I get the perspective of two people... about the same event.  There are many common themes...

"I was completely calm and reasonable, while she was yelling and throwing things."  I've heard this from both sides of an argument.  Both claim they were acting like adults, and reasonable... while the other person was childish, irrational, and loud. I wish I had a recorder.  Even individual comments are viewed differently.  One person made a statement of fact; The other heard a judgmental diatribe. One person requested time to talk; The other called her a liar.  Everyone needs to be heard.  But we also need to listen.

Often it is just inflection and interpretation... That person is mean to me... therefore... And anything that is said is wrong.  "Oh, you're wearing a blue shirt" becomes "She's judging me. how dare she!"

Another theme...only the other person was rude. We all seem to think we are doing the right thing...or were justified in our actions.....All that righteous indignation has been exhausting lately...Many of us have bad habits.. rude habits.  I catch myself interrupting ... more than I admit.

How does this tie to poly?  Well, we need to be friendly to our friends... and love our lovers.  It is easy to slide into bad verbal habits-  Which reflect our bad mental habits.  Assume the best about our friends/lovers/co-workers.  They mean well.  They are not out to stab you in the back... either literally or figuratively.

What another says or thinks cannot hurt you as much as the festering resentment that you keep.  So stay  healthy mentally.  Use the Teflon coating for your skin... and keep the lines of communication open.  Take it down a notch... Allow little problems to be stay little.  And if necessary ask, "Gee that hurt.  Did you mean to sound so sarcastic?" Many don't realize how cutting and hurtful these little atomic bomb comments are.

Vampires, werecreatures, Anita Blake and small print

I'm trying to work through a book series that she likes (Anita Blake, Vampire Slayer, by Laurell Hamilton)... but my heart isn't in it.  This latest book, is dragging on and on... The sex scenes are well written, but wow... I'm just wanting it to be over.  Part of the problem is that I've tried to read a lot of this... and I have very little time to read.  I just wish a friend would staple the sex scene pages and I'd just read the detective story.

I'm not sure if I'm going to read the next book.  This last one was annoyingly long, with tiny print... (732 pages)  Maybe my eyes are weak enough that I need the large print edition.  --I"ve got the pad... so I could get the book and make the font any size I want.  I still may do that... The earlier books are trilogies when electronic.