Journaling

Recently I was giving advice about dealing with a break up.  This is how I deal with the current limbo... which is my relationships.

Start Journaling (if you aren't already)-- write about this experience, so you can go back later and see what lessons are in it.

I'm going through a Triad break up.. not as traumatic as yours, but painful.  So I'm writing what went well, what went wrong.  The next relationship will be different, I want to be more cautious with my heart.

By writing out what's going on, I can look at it objectively later.  What should I do differently next time?  There's a lot to think about... and most is best left private.  So I'm working to get stronger, emotionally and physically.  and working to heal myself after this break up before I move on.

Journaling also helps me identify WHY I feel a certain way.  About a week ago I realized that it was old shame... I was quite critical of "the other woman," when I was in my 20's.  Now I am that woman... In the Poly community, I might be considered a "cowgirl."  Although my (remaining) partner and I are both still poly.   I feel shame.  Writing about this feeling helped understand why I feel this way.

One thing I learned about myself...(which I'll share publicly)  I don't like dating.  I don't like NRE.  I prefer the long-term quiet companionship of a relationship.  So I tend to push a relationship into that model... perhaps before it is ready... before I've considered how well this will work for everyone.  I need to date longer, learn more about people, enjoy the diversity, before settling down to a physical relationship.

Being honest, and communication

I'm failing at communications.  I asked for cross streets instead of asking for an address... worse I asked when I didn't have paper and pen, and about 30 minutes later than I wanted to ask.  Less than an hour later I was angry, and frustrated.  No responses from texts.. and I knew that I should have pushed to get the address, rather than just an intersection.

So I need to improve my communication. Ask the right questions, re-ask if I don't get a useable answer.

Meanwhile, everything has changed.

I've lost my lovers.  One has remained as a roommate, but even that is awkward and comfortable.  I miss being touched,  I miss being able to reach out and touch.  I miss the closeness, and the joy of being with someone.

When I think about it, I cry.  So I avoid thinking about it.

I'm seeing their flaws and what they perceive themselves to be.  Are my perceptions as wrong? I think I communicate well... I don't.  I've picked up bad habits of communicating in code... but not knowing if the other person understands.

So life is pretty uncomfortable now.  Just being honest.

Recently a partner asked that I "act as if nothing is wrong" when we are around friends.  However, there is a lot wrong.  A month later, I broke up with her. I did as she asked for 4 or 5 social events.  I couldn't do it anymore.  We were snapping at each other, we were angry.  I didn't compliment her when talking to others.  Maybe they didn't know how deep the schism was, but they knew something was wrong.

I want others to see my relationship as wonderful.  However, that has been a lie for several months.  My triad is splitting, splintering.. This is happening when my professional life is at an all time low, and my energy levels are low, and the world seems to be crashing down around me.  I'm getting into conversations with negative energy crackles through the air.

I need to focus on myself, build my strength, rebuild my life.

What is my Agreement?

Recently found out that a friend & her tribe have a 14 page agreement.  So when someone wants to become part of that group, they are agreeing to.... well, lots.  I didn't ask if it was double spaced.  I hope it is for read-ability.

They require reading some books (Ethical Slut and something else...)  Lab work for STD's, every 6 months, with documentation, meeting all the partners, four dates before physical intimacy, and a variety of other... really good suggestions.  There's a lot of definition and boundaries listed.  (i.e.. What is sex? What is allowed?  Open mouthed kissing?  What about hand/genital contact?)  Their agreement makes clear very specific rules, so there is no misunderstandings later.  Granted, they have been courting some inexperienced poly potentials.. so clear definitions and communication is needed.

So I started to think about my agreement.  I'm part of a fluid-bonded triad. We dated for less than a year before we were fluid-bonded.  We were all tested, we verified the lab results.

We don't have any of that in writing.  We're a closed triad (we only are sexually intimate with each other, no outside lovers).  What would we put in a written agreement?  How many pages would it be 14 pages?  I can imagine a contract similar to a business contract.. including how to exit the relationship.  What would I put in an agreement?  As my triad is discussing it, we'll tailor the agreement to how we currently operate.

This agreement should be an interesting writing assignment.  Do I understand our relationship the way my partners do? And what would be other good information for an Agreement?