How to be a friend.

I've been thinking about this lately. What is a friend? How do I select friends?

I got burned here. Thought someone was a friend of a friend, and therefore my friend.

Only when their friendship went sour, so did mine.

Were they really my friend? I've always given my friends the benefit of the doubt...

Instead of blasting them --- I'll ask why they believe this or that.. I'll check to see

if it was a misunderstanding.

So that's the current litmus test--- am I trusting people too much? Probably. But I

don't want the s out there to turn me into a negative gun-shy lurker.

How do I pick friends? Common interests... common location.... common loves. and

I listen. I love hearing new stories and new viewpoints. I love knowing more about

the different areas, and lives and perspectives.

Am I a bad person? Nah... just a stupid person who trusts others. I am who I am.

Can't change that...

Eventually, I'll be a better friend because of this... and more gentle with the

acquaintances...

So I write a lot, but delete a lot.

Here's a sample of what's in my virtual trashcan.

I'm new to poly. Hadn't even heard the word until April of this year. I'm just exploring my options. I'm currently living with a poly man, he's got three girlfriends. That relationship is more practical than romantic. (I just got a job with an hour commute, and he lives in the city where I work.)

The forums tend to focus on the problems of poly. When things are going well... people tend to not post. And they seem to get a lot of first time crisis posters.

Right now, I suppose I'm more swinging than poly.... I'm not focusing on the emotional relationship, just the physical. Mostly this is because I was in a sexless relationship for several years, then was celibate for a few years after that. I'm enjoying the exploring my sexual side.

In time, I know I'll find a nice couple, or a tribe or maybe just a few dear friends for a long term relationship. It's awkward for me right now. I am focusing on meeting people, but really yearn for the 5 years together, already know each other's jokes and stories and bodies relationship.

Update on Polyamory.com

So in the past several months, much has changed.

I've been confronting the irrational beliefs that were left from my last relationship.

• I'm not attractive.
• I don't deserve sex.
• I don't like sex (yes, he told me... that *I* don't like sex.)
• I'm too fat for sex.
  

I've found people who say they are poly, but they are interested in sex first, and relationship later. Which seems rather swingerish to me. At this point, I'm leaning more towards swinging. I'd like to see what is out there. My goal is to settle into a poly relationship.

In the meantime, I've gotten a job, and have an hour commute. I'm renting a bedroom from a guy I met at a poly meeting. We're having wonderful conversations. And the combination of job and sex have greatly improved my confidence.

Meanwhile, I'm preparing to move, and life is far more interesting than I expected.

So I'm healing, and continuing on the journey.

Someone's upset with me.

Let's face it. Someone is always upset with me. -- an employee, a co-worker, a friend, a family member.

And when people post on the Internet-- even in friendly forums.

There was a cute, friendly board that a friend had... I started posting there... Then, well drama..

So I'm the bad guy. Some of the stuff, I know what I did. Other bits, I'm not sure.

Wow. So on the board, another poster is blasting me... absolutely blasting me.

She's hurt, so she's going to hurt me as much as possible.

Mental note: avoid pissing off 6' redheads--- she doesn't throw things... she throws grenades. If I disappear, she's the one that did it.

Try Something Different.

It's been a delightful few weeks. I've been hanging out with new friends, including some poly people... no mostly polyamorous people.

I'm learning that over the years, I picked up some bad habits. So I'm re-learning communication & relationships. That's simple, right??

Status report.

I guess this is the equivalent of a comprehensive assessment.

Welcome, this is my blog, where I document what is going on in my life. Monday I turned 50 years old. A friend's blog has 50 things about me. I'll do this... without using that website.

1. I just turned 50.
2. I'm a Cancer, but don't believe in astrology.
3. I was born in Evansville, Indiana
4. Grew up in Newburgh, Indiana until I was 9.
5. Moved to Carmel, Indiana where I lived until I went to college.
6. in Vincennes, Indiana...
7. Bought my first computer, a TRS-80 from Radio Shack in 1979.
8. I got an AS in Business Management.
9. Got married.
10. Got divorced.
11. Got sober in AA at age 23, on 9/28/1983.
12. Dated a few guys seriously. Very few.
13. Got pregnant.
14. Had a child, without getting married.
15. When my daughter went to first grade, I went back to college.
16. Got a BS in He@lth Information M@nagement (and munge the word, so I'm not searchable)
17. worked for hospitals, Community mental health center, a cardiology office, and an HMO.
18. Love my job, the challenges and the people.
19. Moved to Florida in 2008
20. Spent 3 months in Key West
21. Work out- well,just the treadmill for 40-60 minutes every other day.
22. Have owned many exercise bikes, mainly use them for hanging clothes.
23. Am interested in be a secondary in a poly relationship.
24. Own 9 Jandek CDs.
25. Love Broadway songs
26. Have sold many things on eBay./still sell things on eBay.
27. In 2006, lost my sister, greataunt, uncle, and father.
28. That was the same year my daughter graduated from High School and went to college.
29. and the same year, my boyfriend moved to FL.
30. I'm fascinated with exotic sexual practices, and have tried many interesting things, that i won't list here.
31. Dated Bart Simpson once, in high school.
32. Celibate for 4 or 5 years.
33. Knit addictively
34. Make my own jewelry
35. Have Internet friends that are closer than F:F friends.
36. No tattoos
37. Went to a nudist resort, loved it.
38. have thin hair, a long nose, and a chin more than I need.
39. like my brown eyes, and tiny toes.
40. Played tai chi for several years.
41. 
    

I've been lurking for a while. It's time to post.

I'm a 49 year old (my birthday is Monday) hetero female who was in a mono relationship for many years. BK and I broke up, two years ago. Via the Internet, he met & started dating a married woman who lives many states away (Bar). I knew they were flirting shamelessly online, but it never dawned on me...

And then Bar said in an e-mail that they have a physical romantic relationship, I have been wrapping my mind around Polyamory.

Then in the course of explaining their relationship to me, BK mentions that my 23 yo daughter is in a Triad. Well, I've avoided labels with her, because... well, I'm her mother. "Daughter" is the only label I care about. But that does explain the couple she kept talking about.

I have been wrapping my mind around Polyamory. I went to a Tampa Poly meeting at TGIFridays - mentioned on another thread. Great group of people, friendly, warm, interesting. Lots of Sci-fi fans. And I remember reading The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Heinlein. I always wanted the stability of a line marriage. Maybe... next time.

So my goal is to be ready for a relationship... poly or not. And adopt the "continuous personal growth" philosophy that I've seen many write.

So I'm just a celebate hetero female. Currently uninvolved, just watching.. learning, and taking notes.