How to be a friend.

I've been thinking about this lately. What is a friend? How do I select friends?

I got burned here. Thought someone was a friend of a friend, and therefore my friend.

Only when their friendship went sour, so did mine.

Were they really my friend? I've always given my friends the benefit of the doubt...

Instead of blasting them --- I'll ask why they believe this or that.. I'll check to see

if it was a misunderstanding.

So that's the current litmus test--- am I trusting people too much? Probably. But I

don't want the s out there to turn me into a negative gun-shy lurker.

How do I pick friends? Common interests... common location.... common loves. and

I listen. I love hearing new stories and new viewpoints. I love knowing more about

the different areas, and lives and perspectives.

Am I a bad person? Nah... just a stupid person who trusts others. I am who I am.

Can't change that...

Eventually, I'll be a better friend because of this... and more gentle with the

acquaintances...

So I write a lot, but delete a lot.

Here's a sample of what's in my virtual trashcan.

I'm new to poly. Hadn't even heard the word until April of this year. I'm just exploring my options. I'm currently living with a poly man, he's got three girlfriends. That relationship is more practical than romantic. (I just got a job with an hour commute, and he lives in the city where I work.)

The forums tend to focus on the problems of poly. When things are going well... people tend to not post. And they seem to get a lot of first time crisis posters.

Right now, I suppose I'm more swinging than poly.... I'm not focusing on the emotional relationship, just the physical. Mostly this is because I was in a sexless relationship for several years, then was celibate for a few years after that. I'm enjoying the exploring my sexual side.

In time, I know I'll find a nice couple, or a tribe or maybe just a few dear friends for a long term relationship. It's awkward for me right now. I am focusing on meeting people, but really yearn for the 5 years together, already know each other's jokes and stories and bodies relationship.

Update on Polyamory.com

So in the past several months, much has changed.

I've been confronting the irrational beliefs that were left from my last relationship.

• I'm not attractive.
• I don't deserve sex.
• I don't like sex (yes, he told me... that *I* don't like sex.)
• I'm too fat for sex.
  

I've found people who say they are poly, but they are interested in sex first, and relationship later. Which seems rather swingerish to me. At this point, I'm leaning more towards swinging. I'd like to see what is out there. My goal is to settle into a poly relationship.

In the meantime, I've gotten a job, and have an hour commute. I'm renting a bedroom from a guy I met at a poly meeting. We're having wonderful conversations. And the combination of job and sex have greatly improved my confidence.

Meanwhile, I'm preparing to move, and life is far more interesting than I expected.

So I'm healing, and continuing on the journey.

Someone's upset with me.

Let's face it. Someone is always upset with me. -- an employee, a co-worker, a friend, a family member.

And when people post on the Internet-- even in friendly forums.

There was a cute, friendly board that a friend had... I started posting there... Then, well drama..

So I'm the bad guy. Some of the stuff, I know what I did. Other bits, I'm not sure.

Wow. So on the board, another poster is blasting me... absolutely blasting me.

She's hurt, so she's going to hurt me as much as possible.

Mental note: avoid pissing off 6' redheads--- she doesn't throw things... she throws grenades. If I disappear, she's the one that did it.