My writings... and how I've found a new life-- not in the ashes of the old life-- but in eyes and hearts of new friends, new lovers and new places.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Six month contract...

After I've dated someone a while, I'll make a commitment. Not the kind most people make, but a simple, 6 month commitment.
Six months is long enough... there's stability, and comfort. We know we can make longer term plans... you know, beyond next weekend.
Of course there are bonuses.... lazy days spent in bed, touching, kissing and well, lots of touching because I love touching... I'm rather addicted to skin. --- the color, the scent, the feel of it.
After a couple six month commitments, I'll sign on for a year. And I'm there for that period of time. We renegotiate, extend the contract...
Or not. it has gone quiet, at a certain point, I'm not talking about my contract or commitment to you... because there isn't one.
Rather harsh? Rather practical? I know what my mother hopes I'll find....practical, dependable and forever.
But I want six months of bliss... followed by a few single year contracts... leading into a friendly break up... where we each find things we need.... in someone else. Is this model too callous? Too logical? I need something to protect me from the NRE...

Monday, April 21, 2014

What it means when I say "I love you."

What it means when I say "I love you."

I say it too much... to too many people.  I love you.  I use it as a thank you, a hello, as a greeting, as an exclamation.

and I mean it... to all those people.  I genuinely want you to be happy, to know that you are loved. To feel the joy and happiness I feel in your presence.

I don't want to wait until the right time to say it.  Years ago I'd calculate when was the best time to utter those three words.  I'd wait six months.  Once a lover muttered it, and I didn't return it... I couldn't ...not until the carefully scheduled day in two months. But now I use it all the time.

Sometimes I say it as reminder that there are others out there that love you....family, friends, future lovers.  They can't always be here to remind you that you are important.  "You are loved" seems a bit distant.  --Although the ad campaign is sincere.

Know now that I love you.  I see your struggles, and love you anyway.  You may not be my lover, but I care about you, and want you to grow, and learn and thrive.  I want to be there to cheer when you succeed, in big and small ways.

Does this mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you?  Probably not.  I love deeply, but don't own the people I love.  So they grow, and go.  And I'm glad, even when I'm crying.

Is this what "I love you" means to you?  Maybe not, but know that I love you.  And I'd rather be generous with those words, to the many people who need to hear them, than to carefully dole  them out at critical moments.

I do love you.  Maybe because of hours spent together, maybe because of years spent together.  And know that I never stop loving.  That's the advantage of Polyamory for me.  We may not have a physical relationship anymore, but I will love you.